Torn and Frayed
by ShadowKissedDhampir
Summary: Rosemarie Hathaway Mazur is an American socialite and heiress whose life is turned upside down in one night.
1. Chapter 1

**Decided to write a new story that I'm adapting into a VA fic from writing for my creative writing classes at my university! Let me know what you think in the reviews and I'll be updating soon!**

* * *

"Rose!" Lissa Dragomir called as the apartment door opened. "Are you home?"

"In the kitchen," I called back. My laptop was open on one counter, my textbook and notebook opened next to it while I cooked a few links of Italian sausage.

"Smells good," Lissa said. "What are you making?"

She set her bag on the end of the counter, near my textbook, and came over to look over my shoulder.

"Italian sausage and baked beans with brown sugar." I turned away from the sausage to stir the baked beans before turning to my textbook. "How were classes?"

She sighed, sitting on the couch. "Annoying. I don't know what I was thinking when I added a communication minor."

"No, you don't know what you were thinking when I told you not to take Nelson, and you did anyways," I corrected her. "Try taking one of Werner's classes next semester. He's way better."

"Aren't you doing his homework right now? It doesn't look any better."

"Nelson makes you write every single week and doesn't grade shit. Werner only has his essay midterm and final and a group paper."

"I'll try to remember to take him next semester," she teased. I rolled my eyes and turned back to check on the sausage. It was done, so Lissa cut it up for me while I got the brown sugar ready. It only took another five minutes before it was done, and I served it up into bowls. Lissa thanked me and took hers, promising to make breakfast in the morning, since I would be at work during dinnertime.

When I finished eating, I changed out of my sweats and t-shirt and back into the dress I wore to class today. I wrapped my coat around me and put my laptop into my bag.

"Bye Lissa!"

"Come to the mixer when you get off," she reminded me. I rolled my eyes, surprised she didn't mention it when she first got home. She had been going on and on about her sorority's party for a month.

"If I'm not exhausted, I'll try to stop by," I said. "I don't get off until midnight."

She shot me a look and we both knew that I probably wasn't going to go to the party tonight. I laughed at her, and walked out, locking the door behind me. It was a short walk to the bookstore, and I arrived at work with five minutes to spare before having to clock in. My phone went off and I pulled it out as I walked into the back. It was a text from my boyfriend, Adrian Ivashkov. We had spent the weekend together, but he had left last night to get back to New York City.

Adrian (17:56): Miss you and wished I could have stayed longer.

Rose (17:57): I miss you too. Heading into work now, but I'll call you tomorrow.

Work was annoying, constantly having to answer dumb questions, but it was work and I was paid. I ended up closing a few minutes early because the bookstore was completely empty, and I locked the doors before straightening the shelves and closing the cash register down.

It was cold and wet outside, and the clouds overhead threatened more rain when I walked outside. My coat was wrapped around me tightly, but the chill still crept in. The moon's light was barely visible through the clouds and the streetlights were dim, some not even lit. I twisted the key in the bookstore's door behind me, locking it tightly. I tugged on the door once, just to make sure it was truly latched, before tucking my keys into my bag.

It was going on midnight, but downtown was quiet and dark, despite Ithaca being primarily a college town. I knew that there were at least ten parties going on at Cornell University's campus, and knew that my roommate, Lissa, had been begging me to come to Kappa Delta's spring mixer with her tonight. I turned away from the university and started walking in the direction of our apartment. It was barely a half mile to the apartment, but it felt like forever tonight.

A strong gust of wind blows my long brown hair into my face, and I wrapped my coat tighter still. The chilly air bit into my exposed skin, making me wish that I had chosen to drive to the bookstore instead of walk. My phone vibrated against my hip and I didn't hesitate to pull it out.

Lissa (00:10): Rose! Where are you? The party already started! This is our last year, you have to come!

Adrian (00:13): Happy anniversary, babe.

Lissa's other text was gibberish, and I rolled my eyes before sending a text back.

Rose (00:14): I'm going home.

I switched over to Adrian's text and typed out a reply as I continued to walk down the road.

Rose (00:15): Happy anniversary. I miss you.

Rose (00:15): What are you doing up so late? Don't you have a 7am lecture?

Adrian (00:15): Who needs sleep when I can talk to my beautiful girlfriend. But I wanted to say it immediately.

Adrian (00:16): I can't believe it's been a year. I wish you were here.

Rose (00:18): I wish we were spending today together too. At least we had the weekend together. If it wasn't midnight and NYU wasn't four hours from here, I'd be on my way. I have next Friday off, I'll drive down that morning. I'm sorry I can't get away sooner.

"Rose."

I flinched and whipped around, but there was nobody behind me. Ithaca was one of the safest college towns in the United States; bad things rarely happened here. I shook my head to clear my exhaustion, second guessing taking melatonin pills before leaving the bookstore. I sped up as the apartment building came into view, ready to get home and get to bed.

The sound of two metal objects crashing together made me stop, and I peered into the alley beside me. The hair on my arms rose, and I shivered, before picking up my pace again. The clanging followed me as I continued making my way down the street. My heart was racing, and I slid my phone back into my purse. _It's just an animal_ , I told myself, hoping that if I said it enough times, I would start to believe it.

The sound of an engine revving had me jumping backwards, closer to the buildings to avoid being splashed as it sped through the puddles, and one hand wrapped around my arm, the other covering my mouth as I was pulled into the alley. The stone wall cut into my back, but I couldn't voice my pain.

My eyes locked on unfamiliar blue eyes and as soon as he removed his hand from my mouth, I screamed. The guy's eyes narrowed, and he slapped me, hard, before using his tie as makeshift gag. I felt bruises forming on my arms where he was gripping me too tight, and tears started to stream down my face, soaking into the tie. I brought my knee up, and he jerked in pain, releasing me. I tried shoving past him, but he was still too close.

"Not so fast, Rose."

I whimpered as he pinned me with his hips.

"Did you really think I was going to let you walk away? You're such a beautiful girl," he cooed. "I've been watching you at the bookstore, just waiting for my chance, but you would never give me the time of day. But now you don't have a choice."

My eyes watered from the overwhelming stench of alcohol coming from his breath as he leaned in closer. He unbuttoned his pants, forcing my thighs apart with his own, and pain seared through my legs as they were spread too far.

"You. Are. Mine."


	2. Chapter 2

**Hey y'all! I was hoping to have this chapter out sooner, but I got slammed with finals and assignments and wasn't able to find time to squeeze this in too. I originally had a different version of this chapter nearly ready, but I decided the other day to rework it instead of posting it as is. Hope y'all enjoy and drop a review to let me know what you think!**

* * *

It was dark when I woke up and I knew immediately that I wasn't in my bed. I started to panic, thinking _he_ had taken me somewhere until I heard the faint beeping of the heart monitor, and felt the tug of an IV in my arm.

I was in a hospital.

I hate hospitals.

I tugged the sticky pads off my chest, and pulled the IV from my arm, not paying attention to the blood that started to well up. I was uneasy on my feet as I stood, the world spinning slightly. The door opened easily, and I stumbled into the hallway.

A nurse spotted me immediately. "Miss! You shouldn't be up."

"Rose!"

I turned at the sound of Lissa's voice to see her walking down the hall towards me. "You need to go back to bed!"

"Liss, you know," I whispered. "I can't."

"I know. But you need to, at least for a little bit."

She grabbed my arm to lead me back to the room, but I jerked out of her grasp.

"No! You can't make me!"

I started to stumble as my vision blurred and then I felt arms wrap around me, picking me up.

"Please! No, stop!" I started to cry, weakly fighting against whoever was carrying me.

I felt the bed under me once more, and the pinch of the IV before the sedative hit me.

"It's going to be okay, Roza," a man said, his hand brushing over my forehead. "Get some sleep."

* * *

When I woke up, it was light outside and the room was too bright. There was a throbbing pain between my legs that made it unable to forget about last night. It wasn't a nightmare. The pain proved that. But I refused to stop trying to make myself believe that it was a nightmare, and that everything would be okay.

Everything would be okay.

If I repeated it enough, maybe I would start to believe it.

"Rose?" Lissa knocked lightly on the door, pushing it open. It was then that I realized I wasn't in my room at the apartment and was instead in a hospital. "How are you feeling?"

"Why am I in a hospital?" I demanded. "Did you take me here? You _know_ how I feel about hospitals."

The door pushed open the rest of the way and Lissa entered the room, followed by a nurse, and a man with shoulder length brown hair.

Dimitri Belikov.

My heart ached at the sight of him. His brown eyes were as gentle as ever, though they were guarded more now than they ever had been before.

Neither of us said anything, and Lissa cleared her throat awkwardly.

"Hi, Rosemarie," the nurse said. "I'm Priya."

"Hi."

"Do you prefer Rosemarie or Rose?"

"Rose," I said. "It's easier."

"Can you tell me what happened last night, Rose?" She was standing in front of a laptop, but looked at me over it, instead of looking at the screen. I glanced over at Lissa, noticing her pale face and the way she gripped the armrests of her chair. Dimitri was standing against the wall next to her, his face impassive, though his eyes told a different story. In the few seconds I took to look, I could see the pain and longing before he glanced away from me.

"Why am I here?" I asked instead.

"I brought you here," Dimitri said.

"What?" I turned to look at him again and saw the emotion in his eyes gone.

"I found you last night, in an alley. You were unconscious, and it was obvious that you had been attacked. I couldn't just leave you there," Dimitri said softly. His looked down at the coffee cup in his hand, fingers tapping against it slightly.

 _He doesn't drink coffee._

It was a stupid thought and I chastised myself. A lot could change in three years.

As if reading my mind, he stepped forward, holding out the cup. "I got this for you. Tea. Just the way you like it. It's not super hot anymore."

My hand was shaking when I took it from him, the cup still warm, but not too hot. Our fingers brushed, and I flinched. He pulled back immediately, walking back over to lean against the wall again. I took a sip, and could taste the honey mixed in.

"Rose?" Priya spoke up. "Do you remember what happened?"

I wanted to scoff. It would be impossible to forget.

"I was walking home from work and he pulled me into an alley," I said, nearly choking on my words. I had to put the cup down so I wouldn't end up squeezing it too hard. I couldn't look at Dimitri or Lissa, even though I felt both staring at me. "I told him to stop and he wouldn't. I think he left when he was done. I don't remember."

"Where is work, Rose?"

"Paradise Books," I mumbled. "It's only a half mile to my apartment."

"Rose, it's highly recommended that you do a rape kit. You don't have to report it right now if you don't want to, but it's recommended that we gather as much evidence that we can in case you chose to report it and file charges," Priya said.

"Will it take long?"

"A few hours," she said.

I sighed. I fucking hated hospitals.

"Fine. I just want this to be over with and get out of here."

Priya typed something into her computer before leaving the room. I assumed that she went to gather what she would need to do the exam.

"Rose-"

"I just want this over with," I interrupted Lissa. "I just want to pretend like it didn't happen, and I want to get out of this fucking hospital."

"Rose."

"Don't. Please. Just don't."

A knock on the door stopped her from saying anything else, and Priya walked back in. She glanced at Dimitri and Lissa.

"I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to leave," she said.

Dimitri was already heading towards the door but Lissa hesitated.

"Liss, I'll be fine," I lied. I turned to Priya. "Can I listen to music while the exam is going on? I don't want to listen."

"As long as you have headphones," she said.

Lissa pulled a pair out of her purse and handed them to me before leaving the room.

"Rose, this exam will take a couple hours and it is very invasive. We will need to swab for DNA, take pictures, do internal ultrasounds, and a few other things. You're in safe hands, okay?"

I nodded, putting the earbuds in. They were Bluetooth and already linked to my phone. I chose a playlist, hit shuffle, and closed my eyes. "I'm ready."

As the music blared in my ears, it was easy to pretend that I wasn't laying a on hospital bed, but the second I felt the first touch, I couldn't help but tense. It felt weird and the tools were cold, and I squeezed my eyes shut when the pain set in.

My five-hour playlist was at least halfway through when I felt a tap on my shoulder.

I paused the music and took out the earbuds as my bed was propped up a little. Priya had a grim look on her face and tossed her gloves in the biohazard trash can before going back behind the computer and typing furiously. When she came back around the computer, the look was gone, and she had the soft look on her face again.

"Rose, did you have any bruising elsewhere, such as on your breasts or anywhere else you can think of?"

"I don't know," I said. "I haven't looked, and I don't want to. I'm scared of what I'll see."

"I would like to examine your chest and back quickly," she said. "It won't take nearly as long as the first exam."

"Okay."

Priya directed me to untie the top part of the gown I was in, and she took pictures of bruised areas and of the bite marks and hickeys on my chest. At her direction, I turned around, exposing my back to her. I heard her put on a new pair of gloves and the sound of a camera going off. Priya's hands brushed over my back slightly, and I winced when she hit a sensitive spot.

"The exam is done, Rose," she started. "Your friends can come back in now."

I wanted to say Dimitri wasn't my friend, but I didn't want to get into it. I sent a quick text to Lissa, ignoring the fact that I could have sent one to Dimitri too, provided he didn't change his number from the one I've had for the past four years. From the one I haven't touched in three years, no matter how many times I've thought about it.

Priya left the room as Lissa walked back in, but Dimitri didn't follow. Part of me was dying to ask but I restrained myself.

"How did you know I was here?"

"Dimitri called me. I'm on your list of emergency contacts on your phone," she said.

"How are you not hungover?"

She laughed. "I am. I slept most of it off once I got here, but I didn't get completely wasted last night. Good thing too."

"Do you know if he called anyone else?"

"I think he might have called Adrian. You'd have to ask him." Lissa paused. "What's he doing here anyways?"

I glanced over to where the cup sat on the nightstand, surely cold by now. "I don't know. But I don't care."

She gave me a look. "I'm sure you don't."

"Lissa," I warned.

She held her hands up. "I seem to remember you being very upset when he left three years ago, that's all."

There was another knock on the door, and Dimitri walked back in. I hoped he hadn't heard what Lissa had just said.

Lissa jumped up. "I'm going to run to the café for some food. Do you want anything, Rose?"

"Surprise me," I said dryly. I knew what she was doing, but I couldn't deny that I was starving.

The door shut behind her, and Dimitri took her seat. I could smell his aftershave now that he was closer, just as intoxicating as it was before.

"What are you doing here?" I blurted.

"In Ithaca or at the hospital?"

"Both."

"Viktoria graduates next week," he said. I had forgotten that his younger sister was my age. She attended Ithaca College last I knew, not wanting to be pressured by the expectations of Cornell's Ivy League status. "Thought I would come up early to surprise her. As for the hospital, I guess I just needed to make sure you were okay."

"So now you care?" I snapped before my brain could filter it. I regretted the words as soon as the hurt flited across his face.

"I wasn't going to just leave you there, Rose. Despite what happened in the past, I do care about you. I've always cared."

"Sure didn't seem like it," I muttered.

"You were pushing me away!"

"So it's my fault? What was I supposed to do, Dimitri?" I said, weary. "You were leaving, leaving _me_ , after promising that you wouldn't."

"Roza-"

"Do _not_ call me that!"

I met his gaze and I wasn't backing down. Hurt from years before reared its ugly head and my heart started to ache again.

Caught in a staring match, I could admit to myself that the years had done him good. I didn't think it was possible for him to get hotter, but he did. There was slight stubble on his face now, and part of me wanted to kiss him again just to see what it would feel like now. To see if that spark was still there.

I jerked back, realizing that we had both been leaning in, and closed my eyes. I heard the door open and close a second later and when I opened my eyes, I wasn't surprised to see the room empty. Lissa appeared with food a few minutes later and didn't question where Dimitri went.

He slipped back into the room shortly after we finished eating, followed by Priya and tall woman.

"Hello, Rose," the other woman said. "I'm Doctor Olendzki."

Her face was gentle, and she held out a hand for me to shake. She had a clipboard tucked underneath her arm, and when she pulled it out, I could barely make out my name on it.

"What's up, doc?" I said weakly, and she cracked a small smile.

"I'm very sorry that this has happened to you," she said. "You've faced a lot of trauma, physically and mentally. Priya said there was a lot of bruising and that you might be suffering pain for a while. I would highly recommend holding off on consensual sex, since there is a high chance with your bruising and scarring that intercourse will be extremely painful for you."

I looked away. I couldn't meet her eye and Lissa squeezed my hand reassuringly. I blushed as my gaze met Dimitri's and I quickly looked away.

"You have a couple of choices to make, Rose," Doctor Olendzki said. "The first choice is something that needs to be decided now, and that's whether you would like us to administer emergency contraceptive. Your paperwork noted that you were off birth control, which means there is a chance that you could get pregnant. The chances of you getting pregnant from this is in between three and five percent."

 _Pregnancy_.

It hadn't even crossed my mind until now.

"Three to five percent?" I repeated.

She nodded. "We do have Plan B on hand that we can administer, and it is 89 percent effective at preventing pregnancy."

"So there's a chance I might still end up pregnant."

She hesitated. "Yes, but it is a small chance between the likelihood of you being pregnant and Plan B not working."

"I don't want to risk it," I said. I wasn't ready to be a mother, and I didn't want to carry _his_ child. "I'll take the pill."

"Priya will grab it for you to take," Doctor Olendzki said as Priya slipped out the door.

"Your second choice is whether or not you've thought about reporting this."

I looked down at my lap. "I don't even know him, not really."

"Not really?"

"He said he saw me at work a lot. But I didn't recognize him. It was dark."

"If he's stalking your work, Rose," Dimitri started.

"I already decided to quit," I said, interrupting him. "I don't ever want to go back there."

Doctor Olendzki continued. "Rose, it is completely up to you if you want to report and from there, if you want to file charges, but I do want to let you know that there is a chance his DNA might already be in the police database."

"I know. I've already thought about it," I said. "Would I have to go to court and physically see him again?"

"Unfortunately, I can't answer that. It all depends on the court and lawyers, if he takes a plea deal, et cetera," she said. "You don't have to decided right now if you want to report or even if you want to file charges. It's just something to think about."

"I want to report it," I said, pushing down the nausea of having to go through this again with the police, and potentially having to see him in court. "I don't want him to be able to do this to anyone else."

* * *

 **As a side note, for this fic, I'm making Dimitri three years older than Rose, instead of the canon seven years, just because I can. I also made Rose and Viktoria the same age, just for the purposes of this story.**

 **Another side note: have any of y'all read the additional stories included in the 10th anniversary edition of VA? I'm debating buying it but I wanted other's opinions first!**


	3. Chapter 3

**Merry Christmas to everyone who is celebrating! I hope y'all are having a great day and hope you enjoy this chapter! Drop a review with your thoughts, opinions, and questions!**

* * *

 **Four Years Ago**

I got out of the car and stared up at the old historic buildings. There were students walking to and from cars that were lining up and I took in a deep breath, and parents following excited freshman around.

I felt a small pang as I remembered that my parents weren't here. Abe Mazur and Janine Hathaway were too busy to spend a day helping me move in. They had sent one of their chauffeurs and my mother's closest assistant to help me instead. I couldn't remember what country they had jetsetted off to this time.

"Rosemarie!" Melissa, my mother's assistant, called out, exasperated. I ignored her in favor of running to where I saw Lissa's car pull up ahead of ours. I knew that if I turned around, I would see one of our security members following close behind me, but I ignored him in favoring of yanking Lissa into a tight hug.

"Rose!" She hugged me back, laughing. "It's only been a week!"

She had spent the summer in the Turks and Caicos, and while I had spent a lot of the summer with her, I had come back to the United States a week earlier.

I shrugged. "I know. I just missed you."

She laughed again and started to tug me towards the entrance to the housing building. There was a man in a polo greeting people at the door.

"Hi," he said. "Welcome to Cornell University! Just follow the signs for last names to get your room keys."

We thanked him before separating so that Lissa could slip into the A-E line, while I walked further down to the F-J line. The line moved quickly as three people in red and grey polos called students up to get their paperwork signed and checked in.

A girl whose nametag read Marcie motioned me forward. "Hi, what's your last name?"

"Hathaway Mazur," I said. "Rosemarie."

Recognition flashed in her eyes, and she tried to discreetly peer around me, presumably to see if my parents were here. Her face fell slightly when she realized that they weren't in line with me or anywhere near me, and she turned back to her list. She pulled out a small envelope and turned her clipboard around so that I could sign next to my name, agreeing to all the rules and regulations of living on campus.

"You're on the first floor, room 17, bedroom A," she said. "Here's your room key and mail key; make sure you hang on to these, because there is a fee for losing the keys."

"Thank you," I said, both of us knowing that even if I lost my keys, paying for a replacement would nothing to me.

I took the keys and stepped out of line, to the side, to wait for Lissa to get out of her line. While I was waiting, I took out my keychain lanyard to put the keys on to them.

"Rosemarie. There you are." Melissa appeared beside me, a stern look on her face. "You shouldn't be running off. Your mother-"

"My mother isn't here," I interrupted. "And you're not my nanny."

"Rose," she said, facing me. "I'm not trying to make this tough. I know I'm not an adequate replacement for your parents but I'm just trying to help you."

I spotted Lissa stepping out of line and she met my gaze. I left Melissa behind again, not wanting to hear her excuses for my parents. I met up with Lissa halfway through the lobby and we both turned through the double doors that were propped open. There was a Resident Assistant greeting us as we walked through the door and explained that we would have to use our student IDs to get into the housing building, and then to get into our dorm hall as well.

Lissa and I walked together through the hall, dodging as students and parents came through pushing carts and pulling suitcases. The housing hall was crowded but thinned out as we made our way further back where our room was.

The door was slightly propped open when we reached and Lissa and I shared a look. We had been assigned a random third roommate, and while we hadn't met her yet, we had exchanged a few text messages.

I nudged the door open, pulling my suitcase behind me, and immediately saw a tall man with brown hair that was pulled back at the nape of his neck. His brown eyes were kind and humor flashed in them as he spoke to a younger girl. Her back was to us and her long brown hair had purple streaks in it.

The man gestured, and the girl spun around to face us. Her eyes were brown, the same shade as the man's, and she smiled widely.

"Hi! I'm Viktoria," she said.

Lissa spoke first. "I'm Lissa, that's Rose."

I lifted my hand in greeting as Lissa's parents and Melissa caught up to us.

"Rosemarie," Melissa said, exasperated again. She was pulling a dolly stacked with three boxes, but not a hair out of place. "You shouldn't be running ahead of me or Nicholas."

Nicholas was the security detail that had been assigned to accompany us today, and when I met his eyes, he almost looked as fed up with Melissa as I was. I knew that he had had me in his eyesight all afternoon. That's just how he was. Lissa's parents exchanged a look as well and I sighed. They also had someone on security detail, but I didn't see him or her anywhere.

"This place is swarming with security," I said. "I'm sure it was fine."

Melissa and I held eye contact for a moment before she backed down, knowing that it wasn't best to make a scene, especially in front of my new roommate.

"Sorry," I said, turning back to Viktoria and the man. "This is Melissa and Nicholas. They're accompanying me today in place of my parents."

If they didn't know who we were, I wasn't going to clue them in. Let them think that they're relatives or family friends.

"These are my parents, Rhea and Eric," Lissa said. "My brother, Andre, is running around campus somewhere, I'm sure. He's a senior here."

Viktoria smiled, and held out her hand to both parties. "Hi, nice to meet you. I'm Viktoria Belikova." She gestured behind her, where the man was still standing. "That's my brother, Dimitri. He's starting his senior year here too."

"Hello," he said, his accent slightly stronger than Viktoria's. "It's nice to meet you all. We'll let you get settled in."

Viktoria grabbed her purse off the counter. "We're just going to grab lunch. Would you guys like us to bring you anything?"

Lissa and I shared a looked.

"We're good," I said. "Thank you though."

Viktoria smiled before her and Dimitri left the room, letting the door shut softly.

I took the chance to look around the room, now that it was less crowded, and saw that it was bigger than I was expecting. It was set up like an apartment would be, with a small living room and a tiny kitchen that held a full-size refrigerator and oven. The bedrooms and bathrooms were down a carpeted hall, each of them labeled with a letter, and a sticker that had our names on them.

My room was first, with _Rosemarie_ written inside a sunflower. It was bordering the living room, and Nicholas had already moved a few boxes into the room while I had been looking around. There was a full-sized bed pushed up against one wall, with a desk put into a small window alcove. The closet cutout was next to desk cutout and there were two racks attached to the wall there.

Lissa's room was right next to mine, with _Vasilisa_ written inside a daisy, and her room was set up the same, except with her bed against the opposite wall. Viktoria's room was at the end, her name written inside a black-eyed Susan. The door was shut, and I ignored it in favor of turning to where there were two bathrooms, with a double vanity in between them. One of the bathrooms had a small shower, while the other had a bathtub.

Lissa was following me through the dorm, looking at everything too, before we went into our separate rooms to start unpacking. After all of my boxes had been brought in, I managed to get Nicholas and Melissa to leave me alone, even though I knew they would be back in the morning.

Lissa's parents left shortly after them, and we worked silently for a bit setting up our room until I heard my phone going off with a FaceTime call.

"Hi," I said, my mom and dad appearing on the screen as I accepted it. I sat on the small of the two couches in the living room, adjusting to get comfortable.

My mom sighed. "Rosemarie, are you giving Melissa a hard time?"

I rolled my eyes. "It's nothing. She just needs to back off a bit."

"We gave her instructions for this weekend," my father said sternly. "We expect both of you to get alone and to let her help you."

"She's _babying_ me! I'm 18, I don't need a babysitter," I said. "And if you were here-"

"Don't even start," my mother said. "You know we're on a business trip and couldn't make it."

 _More pleasure than business_ , I thought but didn't dare say.

"I have to go finish unpacking my room," I said. "I'll talk to you later."

I didn't wait for them to say anything before hanging up and walked back into my room. Lissa walked around the corner after a moment.

"Everything okay?"

I just nodded. "Everything is fine."

She frowned, but didn't push the subject, known better by now that I'll talk about it later if I felt up to it.

"So, I saw you looking at Viktoria's brother."

I blushed. "He's cute."

"Mhmm. He seemed to be looking at you a lot too," she said.

I glared at her. "Shut up."

She laughed. "Just pointing out what I see!"

I tossed one of my pillows at her and she grabbed another off my bed to toss back at me, and we kept tossing the pillows back and forth, practically whipping them at each other within a few minutes.

Neither of us noticed Dimitri and Viktoria walking back into the apartment until my pillow went slightly off track, and he snatched it out of the air before it could hit him.

"Oh my god, I'm so sorry," I blurted.

He laughed, and a warmth spread through my chest. "It's okay. Just girls having fun, right?"

Lissa and I nodded. "Pillow fights are great stress relievers," I said solemnly.

Viktoria laughed. "Dimka and I used to have epic pillow fights."

"Vika, I'm leaving before you reveal all of my secrets, but I'll see you later," Dimitri said, ruffling her hair. He turned to me and Lissa, holding my gaze. "I guess I'll be seeing you guys around."

I smiled despite my chest tightening, as my mother's words reverberated in my head.

 _Don't get attached, Rosemarie. People always leave_.

* * *

 **Disclaimer that I don't really know what Cornell University's dorms look like, aside from the old, historic buildings, so I based it off my own two years in the dorms at my university instead! Hope you enjoyed a little look back at how Rose and Dimitri first met!**


	4. Chapter 4

**I apologize for any mistakes. I was trying to get this chapter out fairly quickly and haven't had the chance to do a deep reread.** **Hope y'all are enjoying this story so far, and I hope you enjoy this chapter!**

* * *

I was finishing giving my statement to the police officers when my room door opened again, and Adrian walked in. He was visibly stressed and let out a small sigh of relief when he saw me. Dimitri was in the room as well, to give his statement to the police about how he found me, and Adrian glanced over at him briefly before coming to stand by my bed. He didn't say anything, noting the officers still in the room, but squeezed my hand. I've known Adrian for years, nearly as long as I've known Lissa, and I trust him completely, but the touch still made my chest tighten and my heart rate starts to spike. He let go of my hand quickly and I pulled the covers on my bed up closer to my chin, tucking both of my hands underneath.

"Rose?" Dimitri broke the silence, and I shifted on the bed so that I was facing him. He held up a few papers. "The police left this for you. One is about the police report and getting your own copy once it's submitted and processed and then there's information about contacting the precinct in case you remember anything else or need to get in contact with them."

"Thank you," I murmured, pulling my blankets higher. I wanted to go home and not leave my bed for days. "When can I leave this hellhole?"

"Soon," Adrian said. "Lissa was talking to the nurse about discharge paperwork when I passed her."

I glanced over at Dimitri again. "Did you call him?"

"If he's Adrian, then yes," he said. "He and Lissa were in your list of emergency contacts. Your parents were there too, but I figured you probably didn't want me calling them."

My parents. I hadn't even begun to think about them. I didn't want to think about them. Maybe they didn't have to know.

I just wanted to go home.

"Thank you, for the call," Adrian said. He turned back to face me, having walked around the bed to where Dimitri was so that I didn't have to keep rolling over to look at the both of them.

"I wished I could have come sooner," Adrian said. "I couldn't get ahold of my professor until shortly before class was supposed to start, and traffic was a nightmare getting here."

"You were teaching today?" I asked softly. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry to both of you."

"No, you don't have to be sorry," Adrian said, concern on his face. "This isn't your fault, Rose."

I didn't answer him.

"Rose. You know this isn't your fault, right?" Dimitri said, his voice full of concern. I still didn't want to answer. I could hear the worry in his voice, in both of their voices, but I only closed my eyes, so I didn't have to look at either of them.

I heard one of them sigh, and when Dimitri muttered something in Russian a few moments later, I figured that it was him.

"What do you teach?" Dimitri said, presumably to Adrian.

"I'm a TA for one of the professors that I had in undergrad. I only teach a few classes a semester though," Adrian answered.

"Where at?"

"NYU," he said. "Being four hours away can be a hassle, but it's manageable."

Dimitri didn't say anything for a moment, and I cracked my eyes open long enough to see him deep in thought.

"And you and Rose are?"

"She's my girlfriend," Adrian answered.

"Oh."

I saw a guard immediately go up on his face and I winced silently. Dimitri seemed contemplative and I hoped that this wouldn't turn into a huge thing.

Lissa walked in then, preventing either of the men from saying anything. She held papers in her hand and I nearly jumped out of the bed.

"Rose, the nurse is coming now to remove your IV and then we can go, okay?" she said.

Just as she promised, the nurse arrived moments later to pull out my IV and put gauze and tape over it. Fifteen minutes later, we were walking out of the hospital, and Lissa helped me into her car. Adrian said that he would meet us at the apartment and went around to the parking garage to get his own car.

"Rose," Dimitri said, stopping me from shutting the car door just yet. "Will you keep me updated? Please."

I nodded. "Okay. Do you still have the same number?"

He didn't mask his look of surprise fast enough. "Yeah, do you still have it?"

I nodded again. "Yeah. I'll text you."

"Thank you." He looked relieved and started to walk away, pulling Lissa aside. They had a short conversation before he walked away and Lissa got behind the wheel.

"What was that about?"

"He asked me to keep him updated too," she said. "Just in case you forget to text or call or something."

I rolled my eyes. "I don't know why he cares."

She shot me a look. "Of course you know why he cares. He's still in love with you, Rose."

"No, he isn't," I said. "And before you say it, I'm not in love with him either."

I could tell from the face she made that she didn't believe me, and to be honest, I almost didn't believe myself.

* * *

I fell asleep on the couch almost as soon as we got back to the apartment. The television was playing The Great British Bake Off on Netflix, and as the episode went on, the more tired I became until I just stopped trying to fight it.

When I woke up, there was a message on the screen asking if I was still watching Netflix, and I turned it off. The apartment was quiet, and Lissa was nowhere in sight.

"Lissa?"

There wasn't an answer.

I felt my chest start to tighten again at the thought of being alone.

I pulled out my phone and tried calling her. She didn't answer my calls or texts and the panic started to build more.

I wasn't that far from the bookstore. If _he_ stalked me enough to know my hours and that I was closing alone last night, what's to say he didn't know where I lived too.

I felt the panic building and it started getting harder to breathe.

I didn't realize I had dialed Dimitri's number until he answered.

"Rose?"

"Can you come over?" I whispered. "I don't want to be alone."

"Of course, Roza," he said.

I rattled off the address and curled up on the couch, trying to calm my racing heart. Every time I heard movement out in the hall, my heart would start beating insanely fast and I was drenched in a cold sweat.

I let out a small scream at the knock on the door and almost couldn't bring myself to answer it until I remembered that Dimitri was coming over. I stared at him through the peephole for a moment before opening the door and then slamming it shut as soon as he was through.

There was more concern on his face once more as he looked me over and took in my panicked state.

"Rose," he said. "Look at me. It's okay. Nobody's going to hurt you. I'll protect you."

I met his eyes but barely understood what he said.

"I need you to try and take some deep breaths, and I need you to try to calm down," he said. I tried to do as he said, but the second I tried to breathe deeply, my chest started hurting more.

"It hurts," I said. I could feel the tears started to weld up.

"Where?"

I rubbed at my chest, just over my heart.

"Rose, I think you're having a panic attack. You need to sit down, take some deep breathes, and clear your mind. I'll do it with you, okay?"

He led me to the couch and sat next to me, our thighs practically touching.

"Breathe in," he said, and I followed suit. "And breathe out."

The pain in my chest was still there, but as I continued to breathe with Dimitri, it loosened and started to dissolve. I could feel the tears welling up again at the thought of breaking down in front of Dimitri and tried to breathe through that too.

"I'm sorry," I blurted.

"You don't need to be," he immediately said. "You don't have anything to be sorry for."

"But I am."

He studied me for a moment, his eyes calculating. He let the subject drop though. "Where are Lissa and Adrian?"

As if on cue, my phone dinged with an income text.

From Lissa (13:44): Just saw you called. Adrian and I ran out to the store; we figured we would be back before you woke.

I turned my phone to Dimitri so he could just read the text too. He pursed his lips but nodded.

"Do you want to take a shower? That might help you feel better," Dimitri said, and I just nodded.

He didn't follow me back to my bedroom, and I shut my door and locked it. After a moment, I unlocked it and decided just to lock the bathroom door instead. I stripped out of my clothes and turned to look in the mirror.

I stared at myself in the mirror, disgusted. There were bruises littering my body, and I could see the imprint of fingers around my hips. I turned away from the mirror before another panic attack started and stepped under the hot water. I don't know how long I was standing under the water before I slid down against the wall until I was sitting completely and started to sob.

I was crying so hard that my body was shaking with the force of my tears, and my chest started to ache again. I figured I needed to get used to it with how often it was happening.

My skin was pink from the heat by the time I stopped crying and I grabbed the soap off the ledge so that I could scrub my body clean. I started scrubbing harder than I meant to but couldn't stop once I started. I scrubbed at my arms and legs, at my hips, back, and torso, scrubbing until I had nearly used the whole bar of soap.

I stumbled out of the shower and into my room. I avoided my drawer full of leggings, and instead pulled on the biggest pair of sweats I owned and the baggiest shirt. I couldn't stand to be in anything tight fitting right now.

I crawled under the covers on my bed and curled up once again.

"Rose?" Dimitri knocked on the door. "Can I come in?"

"Yes."

He opened the door slowly, and left it open, before making his way over to my bed. His eyes widened when he saw my arms, still pink from the hot water, but also partially rubbed raw from my vicious washing. He started to reach out to touch me and I yelped, twisting away.

"Don't touch me!"

Dimitri held both of hands in the air and nodded. "Rose, what did you do?"

"Once I started washing, I couldn't stop," I whispered. I could already start to feel tears building up again.

"Rose," Dimitri said, frowning. "You can't do that. You're going to hurt yourself."

"I don't care," I muttered.

Dimitri's frown deepened. "Roza, no. Please."

I avoided his eyes, knowing I would see hurt in them if I looked.

"C'mon," Dimitri said. "Let's go watch some boring television."

I moved back out to the couch, curling up under my blankets out there. Dimitri picked a random episode of The Great British Bake Off and we sat in silence throughout it. When the next show started, Dimitri paused it and turned to me.

"Is it okay if Viktoria comes over?" he asked softly. "I texted her this morning that I'm in town, and she said she'd love to see you again."

I rolled my eyes. "I highly doubt that. We didn't exactly part of the best of terms."

"What are you talking about?" He was crouched down in front of me at this point so that he could look me in the eyes.

"She didn't tell you," I murmured, more to myself than him. "It's not important."

I could see in his eyes that he didn't believe me, and as much as I knew he wanted to push the conversation, he stepped back and didn't. Like always. It was one of the things that I love about him. _Loved._ I corrected myself. _Not love present tense_.

"She can come over," I said. "You didn't tell her though, did you?"

"No," he said. "Absolutely not. It's not my place or story to tell."

He pushed play on the next episode, and when I glanced over, he was typing something on his phone.

"Rose?" Lissa called, the apartment door banging open. "Are you okay?"

Dimitri stood, and grabbed a few of the grocery bags from her hands to bring into the kitchen. She followed behind him with the rest, and I could hear them talking in hushed tones.

Adrian walked into the apartment behind Lissa and came to sit on the ground in front of the couch. "How are you feeling?"

"Shitty."

"I'm sorry we left you here alone," he started.

"No, it's okay. You guys didn't know," I said. "I'm sorry I'm being such a fucking baby."

"You're not being a baby, Rose," he said. "You went through a traumatic event and that takes time to recover from."

I tuned him out, not needing to hear a lecture right now.

I heard him sigh a few moments later as he realized that I had stopped listening. "Rose-"

"Please, just don't," I said.

"Do you need space?" he asked, and I knew immediately what he was really saying.

I nodded. "Thank you."

There was a knock at the door, and I flinched. Adrian was the closest, so he stood and opened it.

"Can I help you?"

I couldn't see who he was talking to but immediately recognized her voice.

"Oh, I'm sorry. My name is Viktoria Belikova; I'm looking for Rose Hathaway Mazur. Do you know her?"

Adrian glanced back at me and I nodded at the same time Dimitri and Lissa came from the kitchen.

"I'm Adrian Ivashkov," he said, stepping back to let Viktoria in. "Rose is over on the couch."

She immediately moved to hug Dimitri first, despite what Adrian said. I truly didn't think she wanted to see. The fury in her eyes the last time we saw each other in NYC was unforgettable. Dimitri hugged her back tightly and I heard him murmur something in Russian that she quickly responded to.

She stepped back and moved to hug Lissa. Their hug didn't last nearly as long, and then she was turning away from her to face me. She didn't move to hug or touch me, for that I was grateful.

"Hey, Rose," she said. "How are you feeling? Dimitri said you caught the flu or something."

"I'm doing okay," I said, warily. I glanced over at Dimitri and he pulled out his phone. My phone dinged with a text a moment later.

"I brought you some soup to help. It's your favorite that we used to make freshman year," she said. She moved to stick it in the fridge, and I glanced down at my phone.

From Dimitri (14:34): I told her you were sick so she wouldn't try to touch you.

From Rose (14:35): Thank you.

Viktoria came back from the kitchen and sat on the loveseat. Lissa brought me some water before her, Dimitri, and Adrian all disappeared into the kitchen. I could see Viktoria watching Adrian.

"He's cute," Viktoria said. "Seems like a nice guy."

I cracked a smile. Adrian was cute. And he damn well knew it too.

"Yeah, he is. To both," I said.

Viktoria laughed. "How's Cornell?"

I propped myself up on the couch. "It's okay. Annoying at times, but generally okay. Are you enjoying Ithaca College?"

She nodded. "It's great. I like the feel of it so much more than Cornell."

"Why didn't you just transfer somewhere closer to home?" I said, curiosity getting the better of me.

She shrugged. "I liked being in Ithaca. I wasn't ready to leave, and I needed the freedom."

Neither of us said anything for a moment.

"Rose, about what happened in NYC-"

"Viktoria, it's okay. It's in the past and over with."

"It's not okay. I said some mean things."

"I probably deserved it," I said. The dark thoughts ate me, building up more and more. I knew I deserved it.

She didn't have time to say anything else before Dimitri walked back into the living room. Adrian came from behind him and crouched down in front of me again.

"I'm sorry I can't stay longer," he said, genuine concern on his face. "I have to go back."

"It's okay," I said, meaning it. "I'll be okay."

He lowered his voice. "The second you need me, I'm here, okay? I'll charter a plane next time so I can be here faster."

"Thank you," I whispered. "I'll call you."

He murmured something else to Lissa as he hugged her goodbye and shook Dimitri's hand.

"Thank you for coming over," he said. He turned to say goodbye to Viktoria next before walking out the door. Her gaze followed him out the door, and I could see that she had questions.

"Come on, Vika," Dimitri said. "I think Rose might want to nap."

I faked a yawn, realizing what Dimitri was doing. "Thank you for helping. I'll text you."

He smiled and nodded and shut the door behind the two of them.

I sighed, part of me relieved he was gone, but also part of me already starting to miss him again.

"Rose, how are you feeling?" Lissa said, turning off the television. The show had long since been muted anyways.

"I'm hungry."

"Do you want some of Viktoria's soup? I can warm it up for you."

I nodded and I could hear her moving around in the kitchen before she came back into the living room to kneel in front of me.

"Dimitri said you called him in a panic," Lissa said. "He said you told him you didn't want to be alone."

I looked away, unable to look her in the eyes.

"Who knows what _he_ knows, Lissa," I said, my voice breaking. "I can't be here alone."

"You won't be," she said, promising. "I spoke with Dimitri and he's going to come over while I'm at work tomorrow and stay with you until I get back. Are you okay with that?"

I nodded. "I don't want to be alone."

* * *

I woke up screaming. I didn't know what time it was and the covers were tight against my body. I was drenched in sweat, making the blankets stick to me. I was thrashing in the bed, scratching at myself trying to get the covers off.

"No!" I screamed as soon as I felt the first touch to my wrists, holding them down.

"Roza, it's okay," a soothing voice said. "It's okay. You're here. You're at your apartment."

My chest was still heaving, but slowly the panic stopped as I became more awake. My wrists were still being held down, but gently.

"It's okay, Roza," the voice said again. It was still soothing, and I felt myself relaxing more. "It's okay."

Once I stopped fighting, the pressure on my wrists went away and the small bedside lamp was clicked on to a brighter setting. I didn't even remember seeing it be turned on to begin with. Dimitri sat on the edge of the bed, concern clearly etched on his face. The covers were off of me completely and I went to tug down the edge of my shirt that had ridden up when I saw the blood.

"I'm sorry for holding your wrists down," Dimitri said softly. "You were hurting yourself. Scratching and tearing at your arms."

I sat up and stared at my arms, seeing the scratches Dimitri had mentioned, and seeing how some ran deeper than others.

"Stay here," he said. "I'm going to find the first aid kit."

"It's in the bathroom, under the sink," I said.

I felt his weight lift off the bed, and moments later, he was back. He propped the box open on the bed and dug around in it for a few moments before grabbing gauze and nonstick pads out of it.

"Can I touch you to clean and wrap this up?"

"Yes," I said.

He pulled small packets of alcohol wipes out of the box and opened one. It burned as he gently rubbed the blood off my arms and cleaned the scratches. I watched him examine my arms closely before putting the pads down and wrapping it in the gauze.

"You're not bleeding too bad, but hopefully this will help prevent any further scratches or causing bleeding from the existing ones," he said. He got up and started to put away the first aid kit, but left it in the bedroom, next to my bedside table.

I watched silently, noting the care in his eyes and how gently he wrapped my arm. "Being a doctor is a good fit for you."

The words slipped out and Dimitri froze. His eyes were guarded when he looked back at me, but his voice was slightly teasing when he spoke. "Not a doctor yet, Roza."

The nickname slipped out and I didn't correct him. "Another year, right?"

I was wringing my hands, almost desperate to keep the conversation going even though the subject matter was touchy for both of us.

"Yes, one more year," he said. "It's still early; why don't you try to get some more sleep?"

A glance at my phone told me that it was barely six am. Lissa must have had to go in early today, hence why Dimitri was here instead.

"Okay," I said. He went to leave the room and I moved back under the covers. He didn't move to shut the door, and I was glad for that.

"Dimitri?"

He paused in the doorway, turning back to face me.

"Will you stay? I don't want to be alone right now."

"Of course, Roza."

He didn't say anything about how I wouldn't technically be alone as long as he was in the apartment. He just walked back over to the bed and climbed on top of it. He laid on top of the sheets, and far enough away that we weren't touching, but close enough that I could still smell his aftershave.

I drifted back off to sleep in no time at all, feeling comforted for the first time in a while.

 **Just wanted to leave a message down here explaining a few things.**

 **1) I do have some flashback chapters that are written already for this story, so hopefully, I'll be able to update again soon, but no promises (see #3).**

 **2) I'm looking for a beta to help read through for grammatical mistakes and things that don't make sense, etc., so please send me a PM if you're interested!**

 **3) I put this on the most recent chapter of Taken, but I wanted to put it here too in case you haven't read Taken or didn't see it.**

 **I was traveling from my university to my hometown, which is about six hours difference because I need to get my car looked at while I had a short break from work. The trip home was spent mostly on I-75, which is a massive highway in the United States, which can be scary. I was about a mile or so from my exit where I would then spend the last two hours on back roads when I was involved in a severe car accident. Someone came into my lane, causing me to fishtail and spin out and during the spin out, a semi truck t-boned me on the driver's said. He was roughly going 50 miles per hour when he hit me. I was fortunate to be alive and rather unscathed when looking at the big picture. My car was completely totaled, but I managed to walk away with extremely sore hips and an extremely sore back. Sometime during the accident, I broke my ankle and had to have surgery to fix it. As a result, I'm on crutches for 6 weeks before I can start physical therapy and start learning how to walk and use that foot again. After the accident and the surgery, I was in a lot of pain and on pain pills, and during that time, every time I tried to write anything, I just found myself being unable to. I ended up missing two weeks of my final semester at my university and just made the trip back down to my university this past weekend. I have written a few things for other stories that are for later chapters when the inspiration strikes me, but I'm not 100% sure how often I will be able to update, which for that I'm sorry. I'm still trying to settle into my schedule here and figuring out everything that I need to do in order to graduate on time, which is crucial, as I've been accepted by three universities for grad school, including my top choice. I will try to keep you guys updated, and I thank you for your support.**


	5. Chapter 5

**Hey y'all! I was hoping to have an update out earlier in the form of a flashback, but I couldn't find the right motivation to finish writing it, so that particular flashback will wait for a big. However, the next chapter is going to be a flashback and I already have that written! I need to make a few edits to it and then it'll be up and posted soon. Hope you guys are having a great night and I hope you enjoy this chapter!**

* * *

When I woke up, the room was stifling hot, and I turned to grab my phone off the bedside table. It was nearly ten thirty, and I sighed. There was a message from Lissa and two from Adrian.

Lissa (6:24): Dimitri said you had a nightmare. Are you okay? Do you want me to bring anything special?

Rose (10:27): I'm fine. But you know I'll never say no to hot doughnuts.

I switched to Adrian's text.

Adrian (9:45): How are you feeling? Let me know if you need anything.

Adrian (9:51): And you should tell him, Rose.

I didn't respond to Adrian's texts, instead choosing to turn to face Dimitri. He was sitting propped up against the headboard and was quietly using his laptop.

"You're still here," I said quietly.

"I said I would stay," he replied, just as softly.

I looked away and bit my lip to keep from saying something hurtful. _The last time he said he would stay didn't end happy_ , my brain reminded me.

"Are you hungry?" Dimitri said. He closed his laptop as if he already knew the answer. Which he did.

"Always," I said.

I followed him out to the kitchen and watched him root around in the cabinets for cereal. We ate in silence for a bit before he cleared his throat.

"So. You and Adrian?"

I wanted to roll my eyes. "What about it?"

"How long have you been dating him?"

"We celebrated a year the other night," I said, fidgeting with my spoon.

"He said he's a TA at NYU," Dimitri remarked. "Seems like you have a thing for TAs, huh?"

I blushed, remembering the first time I saw Dimitri again after meeting him at the dorm. It had been the second day of classes, but the first day of my biology course. Dimitri wasn't meant to be the TA for that class, but he was the TA for the class prior and the professor had asked him to stay when the original TA had called out sick. Dimitri had agreed, and I had spent the class barely paying attention, distracted by my roommate's handsome brother. When the class ended, Dimitri offered to walk me back to the dorm, and I had agreed, provided we stopped for lunch somewhere on campus first. He had laughed, and I found myself unable to look away. It was technically our first date.

"Shit," he said, misreading my silence. "Rose, I'm sorry. I shouldn't pry."

"No, it's okay. I suppose you're right about the TA thing," I said. "He's finishing up his master's there, and when the opportunity came up for him to TA for an art history course, he decided to do it."

"Art history? Is that what he's getting his master's in?"

I shook my head. "They don't offer art history as a degree so he's doing interdisciplinary studies and taking as many art-related classes as he can. He's working on his capstone project now, and that's going to be art focused. He's trying to get pieces of his artwork in a gallery over the summer and then graduate in the fall."

We continued to eat in silence, and I got up to pour myself another bowl of cereal.

"Can I ask you something?" Dimitri said quietly.

I wanted to make a smartass remark about how he just had, but I held back and just nodded.

"We broke up because of the distance but yet you and Adrian are the same distance we would have been. It's the big question of why?"

"It's different," I snapped. _There was more to it than that._

"Different how, Rose?"

"You wouldn't understand."

"Then make me understand," he said.

"What Adrian and I have is nothing compared to what we had," I said, the words slipping out before I could stop them. Dimitri stared at me, quiet, and I sighed, thinking about Adrian's text. "I was 19, naïve, and scared out of my mind. The thought of being in love and being four hours away scared the shit out of me. I was stupid, so I kept pushing and pushing, and eventually, it was just easier to say goodbye for good."

Dimitri looked like he was going to say something, but I kept talking, knowing that if I didn't get this out now, I wouldn't be able to in the future.

"Adrian and I been best friends forever, and both of our parents were pushing us to find a partner. For winter break junior year, Adrian, Lissa, and I went to Fuji with some friends, and he brought it up. It took me a couple of months to come around, but we both find each other attractive, so we gave it a shot. We love each other, we always will, but we don't _love_ each other. It's more of a convenience thing than anything, and we thought something might grow from it if we put work into it. We thought things might change when I move back to NYC over the summer for graduate school when we'll be in the same city, and they might. I don't know."

I didn't mention that I knew nothing between us would change. I didn't mention that we had both agreed that if there were someone else, anybody else, then we would break off whatever we had to pursue real romance. I didn't mention that I already knew I was going to be hung up on Dimitri again when this was all over.

Instinctively, he knew that I didn't want to talk about Adrian anymore and he shifted the conversation.

"You're going to graduate school in NYC?"

I nodded. "I'm going to get my MBA at NYU. My dad wants me to take over the family business one day, and I need to be studied in business to do that."

"Is that what you want to do?"

I shrugged and moved my spoon around the bowl. "It doesn't matter. I don't know what I want."

 _I want Dimitri_ , but I knew better than to voice that aloud. Not when he was just going to be leaving again.

I shoved back away from the table, putting my bowl in the sink. "I'm going to the gym."

"I'm coming with," Dimitri said, just as I had predicted he would. We both knew that I couldn't handle being alone.

"You'll need a guest pass," I said. "You can fill it out on the website. It's LA Fitness."

I walked back to my room and changed into Lululemon long sleeve that had thumb holes. I pulled on a baggy pair of capri joggers, still not wanting to be in constricting clothing. When I came back out of the room, Dimitri was ready, having also put his bowl in the sink while I changed.

The drive to the gym was silent aside from Dimitri's music. I knew he was contemplating what I had said at breakfast, but I was grateful that he didn't say anything. The drive wasn't long, and I directed him to the front desk where he would have to verify his guest pass.

He took my water bottle to fill up, and I headed over to the first available treadmill. I put on my headphones and chose one of the designated workouts that would automatically change the elevation and speed of the treadmill.

I felt the tap on my shoulder barely five minutes into my run and glanced over, expecting to see Dimitri. Instead, I saw chilling blue eyes and a matching chilling smirk.

"Hello, Rose."

I couldn't hear him, not over the headphones, but I saw his lips move as my ankle rolled and I fell off the treadmill. I felt the moving belt rub against my leg and felt the friction burn already forming as I tried to scramble backward.

"Did you come back for more?" he questioned, that chilling smirk still firmly in place.

My headphones had fallen off when I fell, but I could still barely hear him over the blood rushing in my ears. He walked closer as I still tried to move backward and I saw Dimitri come around the corner, our water bottles in his hand. He must have seen the panic in my face because the next thing I knew, Dimitri was ripping the guy backward, away from me.

"Dimitri," I croaked, trying to get the words out.

"Fuck off, man," he said, trying to jerk out of Dimitri's hold. "This doesn't have anything to do with you."

My chest was continually getting tighter, and I was starting to get lightheaded, from not forcing enough oxygen into my body.

"Dimitri," I tried again. "It's _him_."

He understood immediately, and I watched him pull his hand back to punch the guy square in the face.

"Call the police," Dimitri said, talking to someone nearby.

"Yeah, call the fucking police so I can press charges against this lunatic," the guy shouted as Dimitri pinned him to the floor.

I could feel the burn spreading up my leg, and I tried to force air into my lungs so I wouldn't pass out.

I don't know how long it took for the police to get to the gym, but Dimitri still had the guy pinned by the time three officers ran in.

"Thank God," the guy said. "Get this fucking lunatic off me!"

"No!"

It wasn't until the officers turned to me that I realized I was the one that had yelled 'no'. I also realized that one of the officers that had come was one of the ones who took my statement in the hospital yesterday.

I spoke directly to him. "This is him," I said, gesturing. "This is the guy who raped me."

It only took a second for Dimitri to move and the officers to have the guy handcuffed. He kept fighting, even as one read him his Miranda Rights and as the other told him to stop fighting.

"Roza," Dimitri said softly, reaching out and pulling me to him. "It's okay. It's going to be okay."

I was still shaking as two of the officers dragged the guy outside while the third officer, the one who had taken my statement yesterday, took my statement again. He took the statements of a few other people in the gym before promising that he would be in touch.

Dimitri helped me up, but as soon as I tried to walk, my left leg gave out on me.

"What happened?"

"I fell off the treadmill," I said. "My ankle rolled, and it hurts, a lot."

Dimitri switched sides so that he could better assist me to the car, letting me lean against him.

"Rose, you need to get your ankle looked out and see if it's sprained or broken," Dimitri said.

"You're a doctor," I murmured. "Can't you just look at it?"

"I'm not a doctor yet," he said, reminding me.

"Please. I don't want to go back to the hospital. Please."

Dimitri helped me into the car and sighed. "I'll look at it when we get back to your apartment, but if it's bad, I'm forcing you to go to the hospital. Do you understand?"

I nodded, leaning back against the seat. My heart was still racing, but it was easier to breathe, and the more I breathed deeply, the slower my heart was.

The drive back to the apartment was silent, much like the one on the way to the gym, but for entirely different reasons.

Dimitri helped me up to the apartments and into my room, assisting me to the bed. In an instant, his demeanor changed as he took my shoes off to study my ankle and the red rash that covered the outside of my left leg.

"You have a friction burn," he said, gesturing to it. "It's not serious, and it'll heal in a few days."

"It hurts more than regular rug burns," I whispered.

"The treadmill was going faster to cause a worse burn than a rug burn would cause," he said, moving my ankle around. I winced when it was twisted slightly, and Dimitri studied the redness and swelling that was already there.

"Your ankle is definitely sprained at the minimum, but it could be worse. If the swelling isn't down by tonight after elevating it, you're going back to the hospital."

I nodded, weariness hitting me. Dimitri left the room to grab an ice pack and a pillow to prop my foot up on.

"Get some sleep and try to rest and heal up," Dimitri said, helping me under the covers.

I didn't have to ask him to stay this time.

* * *

 **Giving basically the same update as I gave when I posted the new chapter of Queen of Hearts:**

 **I'm slowly doing better and I'm slowly starting to walk again as I work with my physical therapists to make sure that everything continues properly and that we progress further. I'm glad to be more firmly on the recovery side than the injured side of this now, however, updates might still not be as often since I'm graduating soon and have a lot to be working on!**

 **Drop a review and let me know what you think!**


	6. Chapter 6

**I had said that I would be updating this soon since I already had this chapter written and here it is! This chapter was actually mostly written before the accident since their first date scene really spoke to me, and I've just been tweaking and editing it since then, waiting to get to the point in the story where I was going to post it. I added about a thousand words to it over this past week to provide a better segue from the last chapter and also provide some other information about Rose and Dimitri's relationship. Hope y'all enjoy!**

* * *

 **Four Years Ago**

Getting lunch with Dimitri after biology became a biweekly routine. After every class, I found him outside the classroom, usually leaning against the wall, waiting for me. I insisted that we would switch off on paying for lunch after he tried to pick up the tab three times in a row.

Our lunches always seemed like they were on the verge of something more, but I couldn't bring myself to say anything. I didn't want to run the risk of Dimitri just being friendly and having it be awkward between us for the rest of the year whenever we saw each other. He spent a lot of his free time hanging around the dorm with Viktoria, and she usually tried to invite him to our weekly roommate bonding sessions that we did.

One of the things we tried to do at least once a week was get together and watch a movie while gorging ourselves on popcorn and candy. This week it fell on a Wednesday and Dimitri joined us at Viktoria's invitation since he had the night off work.

Lissa and I lounged on the loveseat while Dimitri and Viktoria took up the longer couch. The movie was queued up, but we hadn't pressed play yet. I got up to make popcorn and popped a bowl for Dimitri and Viktoria to share as well.

Nobody talked while the movie played, though I found myself distracted and kept glancing over at Dimitri. At one point, I caught him looking at me and blushed, but held eye contact for a moment. He smiled softly, and I couldn't help but mimic it. I knew that I was playing with fire, even by just entertaining the idea of being with him. But I didn't care.

It was pushing midnight by the time the movie was over, and I yawned, stretching. I had my biology lecture in the morning and was not looking forward to it. I was, however, looking forward to getting lunch with Dimitri afterward. I was looking forward to it a bit too much actually.

"I'm going to head out, you girls get some rest," Dimitri said, standing and stretching as well.

"Oh, before I forget, what are your guys Instagram handles?" I said. I had meant to ask them a while back, but I also knew I wanted to get to know the pair better first before I allowed them on my private account.

Viktoria spoke first. "It's vika dot belikova. I followed your account a while back."

"I don't have notifications on for that account, so I didn't see it. I'm sorry," I said, opening Instagram on my phone. "I have a separate account that I mostly use for close friends. The handle is rose dot marie."

My verified account, rosehathawaymazur, was mostly filled with modeling shots that I did at my parents' request and they still monitored it to make sure that I wasn't posting anything that they didn't agree with or posting anything that would put them in a bad light. Needless to say, my parents didn't know that I had a second, private account.

"Mine is dimitri dot belikov," Dimitri said softly.

Both him and Viktoria had requested to follow my private account while we were talking, and I accepted both requests and followed them back. Dimitri's account was also private, but it only took a moment before my request was approved. I also switched to my verified account and followed them both there too, just as I did with Lissa and most of my other friends.

Dimitri left soon after and I bid goodnight to Lissa and Viktoria. I found myself laying in bed, scrolling through Dimitri's Instagram, looking for any sign of a girlfriend. He didn't have very many posts, but there were few girls aside from what appeared to be family in the pictures he did have.

I feel asleep with a smile on my face and hope bubbling in my chest.

* * *

Dimitri was waiting outside my class as usual when the lecture was over.

"Let's skip lunch on campus today," he said when I came out of the classroom. He started walking back towards the dorms, and I followed walking beside him.

"How was the class?"

I rolled my eyes. "Biology's not my strong suit, but some of it is interesting."

He laughed, his eyes filled with mirth. "I can tutor you if you want. It is my major after all."

"I might just take you up on that," I said with a smile.

His hand slipped into mine, and I had to force my feet to keep moving, hoping I wouldn't stumble. It didn't take much longer to reach the dorm, and I wished it were farther away so I could keep holding Dimitri's hand.

He turned to face me on the steps of the dorm, and I was conscious of the fact that he was still holding my hand.

"This may be forward, considering how informal our lunches are, but I'd really like to take you out this afternoon," Dimitri said.

"Like on a date?" _Nice one, Rose_.

Dimitri nodded. "Yes, like on a date."

"Okay," I said, smiling again. "I'd love to go out with you this afternoon."

He smiled broadly before glancing at his watch. "I have to head back to campus, but I'll text you. Be ready at 3!"

He leaned down and pressed a quick kiss to my cheek before heading off in the way we had just come.

* * *

"Are you ready to go?" Viktoria was perched on the kitchen counter as I tied my shoes. Dimitri was due in a few minutes, and I could feel the butterflies swirling in my stomach.

"Most people wouldn't be so happy about their roommates going on a date with their brother, you know," I said, adjusting my bathing suit top under my shirt.

She laughed. "I'm not most people. Plus, I saw the chemistry between you two the moment you met. I'd be a bad sister if I told Dimitri he couldn't ask you out."

"He talked about it with you first?" I said, grabbing my small backpack. Dimitri didn't say what we were doing but had text me an hour ago to let me know to dress comfortably, with a bathing suit underneath, and to bring a small pack with water and snacks. I had spent most of that hour debating which swimsuit I should wear and bugging Lissa and Viktoria about it every five seconds. Lissa had left for class ten minutes ago, which left Viktoria and me in the room.

"Of course," she said. "He wanted to make sure that I was okay with it since we have to room together for the next eight months before he asked you out beyond grabbing lunch a few times a week."

Before either of us could say anything else, there was a knock at the door.

Viktoria was closer, so she answered it, and hugged her brother before letting him in.

"Where are you taking her?" Viktoria questioned.

"It's a surprise," Dimitri answered, smiling at her before turning to me. "Are you ready?"

I nodded and slung my backpack over my shoulder.

"We'll be back in a few hours."

Dimitri took my hand and leading me out to where his car was parked at the curb. He held the passenger door open for me and waited until I was situated to shut it.

"Do I get a hint about where we're going?" I questioned as he pulled off of Cornell's campus and on to the highway.

"Nope. You'll just have to wait and see."

We were only driving for a few minutes when he spoke again. "Can I ask you something?"

"Sure."

"What's it like?" Dimitri said. "Being Rosemarie Hathaway Mazur."

I made a face at my full name, and he laughed. "Ugh, that's such a mouthful."

"Why both last names?"

"My mother didn't want to change her last name after she married my father. She was known as Janine Hathaway, and he was known as Ibrahim Mazur. When they got pregnant, they wanted me to have both since there wasn't just one single family name," I explained. "At least that's what they've always told me. My opinion is that they each wanted to give me their own name and had to compromise on the subject."

"Is it weird getting recognized a lot?"

I thought about it for a moment. "Sometimes. I get recognized more when I'm with my parents, or even with just one of them, but even then, the attention is mostly on them. It doesn't happen as often when I'm by myself. My last name usually tips them off, but even then, the person is usually looking more for my parents. It happened at move in."

He bit his lip before asking his next question. "Do you ever wish you were normal?"

"Yeah, I guess so. I lucked out having Lissa as a friend, honestly. She makes everything more bearable," I said. "I try to be as normal as I can, and sometimes it works, and sometimes it doesn't. Hence the two Instagram accounts. I wanted somewhere that I could be me, without having to put on a front or have it approved beforehand. That's also why I chose to live on campus, instead of having my parents arrange for an apartment off campus. I wanted the true experience."

Dimitri nodded, looking deep in thought.

"Enough about me. What's it like being Dimitri Belikov?" I teased.

He laughed. "Not nearly as fun, I'd say. Pretty boring, actually."

"Boring?" I said. "Viktoria's told me a bit about you guys growing up, and that seemed like anything but boring."

He nodded. "She has a point. My mother moved us all here when Viktoria was still young, so I'm surprised that she remembers what happened in Russia. My father wasn't a good man, and so it was always interesting when he was around. My mother finally had enough when Viktoria was around four or five and started the process for citizenship while kicking him out of the house. Within a year, we were here, because of the situation."

"Was he abusive?" I asked quietly.

"On occasion, but he wasn't a good man in general, and my mother deserved better. My grandmother, Yeva, tried for years to convince her to leave him, but she stuck around a little longer until she reached her own breaking point," he said. "The process of moving here and getting everything figured out is a story for another time, I think."

I was contemplative, staring out the window. Our lives were so different, on entirely different ends of the spectrum, but yet somehow, we ended up at this moment together.

I was still staring out the window, the silence in the car not stifling, when I saw the first sign of hints as to where we were going. I saw the sign at the front of the park as we whipped past it before Dimitri slowed as we reached a small office. Dimitri handed over a few dollars, and the lady in the office handed him a parking pass in return.

"Enjoy Buttermilk Falls," she said.

"Waterfalls, huh?"

Dimitri nodded. "Found this place after a class when I was trying to clear my head, and I fell in love with it. It's gorgeous all the time, but there's nothing like the fall when the leaves are changing colors still."

He parked in a lot, and as he got out of the car, he grabbed his bag from the backseat, slinging to over his shoulders. I got out, my bag firmly on my back and I walked around the car to stand next to Dimitri. He pulled out a trail map and showed me all of the trails there were to hike. Dimitri pointed out the path we were going to take, and as we walked in that direction, he started asking me questions.

"So why choose Cornell? Weren't there bigger schools you were interested in?"

I shrugged. "I fell in love with the look of Cornell first, and the more I learned about it, the more I loved it. New York has always been my home, and I wanted to stay in New York, but not specifically in New York City. What about you?"

"I decided to tour the campus on a whim my junior year of high school because it wasn't too far from home and I instantly connected with the campus and with the feel of life in Ithaca," he said. "I got a full ride scholarship, and that made my decision for me."

"You have family nearby?"

"Kind of. My family is in Albany, about three hours away. When it came time for Viktoria to apply for colleges, they tried to keep her closer, but she wanted to come out to Cornell too." He took a sip of his water. "Your family is kind of all over, huh?"

"I guess you could say that," I murmured, my tone taking a bitter edge. "We have a place in New York City, but like most of our other places, it's highly unused. My parents spend a lot of their time out of the country, so they didn't really care what university I went to, as long as it was a good one."

"Other places?"

"Side effect of having more money than you know what to do with," I said. I didn't particularly like talking about my family and our money, but I also didn't want to shut Dimitri down when he seemed genuinely curious. "We have a place in Los Angeles, one in NYC, one in Austin, and then a few out of the country. My dad has a fascination with buying houses, even though they barely get used."

Something flickered in his eyes at the mention of New York City, but it disappeared quickly.

"Don't you ever miss seeing them?"

I looked down at my shoes. "Sometimes. But I'm used to it. I grew up barely seeing them, so I don't have high expectations. People leave. It's what they do."

"I'm sorry, Rose," he said, taking my hand and squeezing it.

I looked up at him in shock. "Sorry? For what?"

There was a slight sadness in his eyes. "You shouldn't have to deal with that. I wish your parents were around more to see how amazing you are."

"Thank you," I said, "but I'm used to it. It doesn't bother me anymore."

The look in his eye said he didn't believe me, but he didn't push the subject. He didn't have to either, because we had reached one of the lookout points, and I gasped in astonishment.

"It's gorgeous, isn't it?" Dimitri asked softly. We stood at the top of one of the taller falls, staring at the cascading water, and the way the sunlight bounced off it, creating rainbows.

"Amazing," I breathed. It truly was. He glanced over at me, and there was a look in his eye, a small smile on his face.

"Come on," Dimitri said, tugging on my hand. "There's a little swimming hole this way."

We went further down the trail, sloping downwards instead of continuing up, and Dimitri led the way until we reached the swimming hole. There were a few people in the water, but they stayed on the far side, lounging on shallow, smooth rock ledges.

Dimitri led me past them to where the rocks arched, sectioning off a part of the swimming hole into a cove. He dropped his backpack a few feet from the edge and pulled off his shirt. I couldn't help but ogle for a moment. He glanced at me and winked before jumping over the side and into the water.

"Jump in, Rose!" he called, his voice echoing and bouncing off the cove walls. I hesitated for a brief moment before pulling my shirt over my head and sliding my shorts off. I was wearing a black high waist bikini that had symmetrical mesh cutouts on the hips, and mesh cutouts along the back and front of the top. Lissa had been the one to ultimately choose it so that I would stop changing my mind, reminding me how it accentuated my figure.

I didn't waste another moment before leaping over the edge after Dimitri, a laugh bubbling in my throat as adrenaline swept through me. I shrieked as my body hit the cold water and could hear Dimitri laughing before I even surfaced.

We played around in the water, and the longer we were there, the more my body adjusted to the water temperature. I only got warmer when Dimitri pulled me to him.

"Can I kiss you?" His voice was nearly drowned out by the sound of the water rushing, and heat stirred within me at his words.

"Only if you promise not to leave after." I said it lightly, joking, but my chest was tight with worry and fear.

Dimitri smiled down at me, cupping my face. "Roza, I'm not going anywhere."

I wrapped my legs around his waist to avoid having to tread water while we kissed, and Dimitri shifted, so both feet were on the ground. His lips brushed mine, and I surged up to kiss him harder. I knew right then that he had my heart completely.

* * *

I was exhausted by the time that we arrived back at the dorm, and I couldn't resist leaning up to kiss Dimitri again. His kisses were addicting, and I felt that I couldn't get enough.

"Do you want to come in?" I questioned, pulling away. His lips turned up in a small smirk, and I blushed, hearing the innuendo. I hastily followed up, "I think Lissa and Viktoria were planning a movie marathon tonight."

He laughed, and I felt the warmth spread through me again. "Another time," he promised.

"I had a great time today. Thank you," I murmured. "It was amazing."

"I'm glad you enjoyed it," he said. "Our next date will pale in comparison, though."

Butterflies erupted in my stomach at the mention of another date. "Spending time with you is great all by itself."

He smiled down at me and kissed me once more. "Good night, Roza."

I unlocked the dorm door, and before it could close completely, the television had been paused, and both Lissa and Viktoria looked at me expectantly.

"Well?" Lissa said.

"It was great. We went out to Buttermilk Falls and spent the afternoon hiking and swimming. We stopped at a small pizza joint on the way back since we were both completely famished," I said.

"That's all you're going to say?" Lissa demanded.

"I don't kiss and tell," I said, shrugging.

Viktoria laughed. "So, that means you guys kissed then?"

I blushed, and the other two girls shared a look. I rolled my eyes at them and walked down the hall to my room. I went shut the door to change out of my bathing suit, but Viktoria stopped me before I could.

"Hey, I just wanted to say that I'm glad you guys had a good time," she said. "And truly, I'm completely okay with you dating my brother."

"Thank you, Viktoria," I said, smiling. "We did have a lot of fun."

"You look happy."

"I really am," I murmured. She smiled again and shut the door completely so that I could change. I pulled on a pair of shorts and a sleep shirt before running to the bathroom.

It wasn't super late, but since I was so tired, I bid my roommates a good night and curled up under my blankets. I was so tired that I didn't even care about playing on my phone for a bit before sleeping. I plugged it in and rolled onto my side.

A few minutes later, my phone lit up with an Instagram notification. I groaned, realizing that I had forgotten to put it on Do Not Disturb. I grabbed it to turn the feature on when I saw the screen.

 _[rose .marie ]: dimitri .belikov tagged you in a photo._

I unlocked it and opened Instagram. I had more notifications than I could count on my verified account, and I switched over to my private one instead.

Dimitri's post was a picture of me, from the back. I was silhouetted against the setting sun and looking out at the view from the top of the falls. We had hiked up a little further after swimming, and I hadn't even realized that he had taken a picture.

His caption was simple.

 _She thought the view was pretty, but I thought she was prettier._

There were already a few likes on the post, despite him just posting, and I quickly liked it. Contentment rushed through me, and I fell asleep with a grin on my face, happier than I had been in a while.

* * *

 **Hope y'all enjoyed this chapter and drop a review letting me know what you thought! Also, I totally created and edited fake Instagrams for Rose and Dimitri, including creating/editing the post that Dimitri tagged Rose in. Shoot me a PM if you want to see it and the accounts I created/edited, and I will try to find a way to send it to you.**

 **The bathing suit I described is from L Space, and it's super cute. It's the Benji top and the Super Sleek Mesh bottoms.**


	7. Chapter 7

**Hi everybody! Hope your summers are going well! I wasn't originally going to post another flashback chapter but this one was already mostly written and I wanted to get an update in so enjoy! Not sure when the next update will be as I'm in the process of unpacking and I start my university job next week but hopefully it's soon.**

* * *

 **Four Years Ago**

Winter break quickly approached, and before we knew it, our finals were done for the semester. Lissa's and Viktoria's finals ended on Tuesday, but Dimitri and I had finals until Thursday. All four of us had flights the next day, but that didn't stop us from celebrating Thursday night. Dimitri looked on with mock disapproval, being the only one of us legally allowed to drink, but he still joined in on the fun. We were out with friends from our various classes who knew all of the bars that didn't card, and we barhopped until the early hours of the morning.

The four of us piled into an Uber, making a stop at Dimitri's apartment where he and Viktoria got out before continuing to the dorm where Lissa and I got out. Lissa tipped the driver, and we both clung to each other as we walked into the dorm, trying not to make it obvious that we were drunk.

The dorm build was quiet, and the lights in the common areas were dimmed. I could faintly hear other students celebrating, and when we got back to our room, we tried not to let the door slam. Lissa disappeared into her room, while I took a couple of Aspirins to ward off a headache in the morning. I had a bottle of water in hand when I got into bed and pulled out my phone.

There were a handful of pictures from tonight, some of our group, and some just the four of us. There were a handful of ones with just Dimitri, and some with just Lissa and Viktoria. I selected one of us as a whole group and opened Instagram. I made sure that I was on the right account before typing out my caption and tagging Lissa, Dimitri, and Viktoria.

The picture was grainy and dimly lit, and the caption was simple: _celebration after finals_. There were a few emojis attached, including the smiling emoji with the party hat blowing streamers. Lissa liked the picture immediately, still awake in her room. I put my phone on Do Not Disturb, face down, and fell asleep shortly after.

Twelve hours later, I was on a flight bound for Adelaide, Australia as that was where my parents decided to spend their Christmas this year. My dad had recently bought a house there, and since it was currently summer in Australia, I had no problem flying out, especially since it hadn't stopped snowing in Ithaca for a week straight. I had layovers in Sydney and Melbourne but when I landed, I was surprised to see my parents waiting for me in the car. It would have been a circus had they actually gone into the airport, but the gesture still moved me.

"Hello, Rosemarie," my mother said as I climbed into the backseat of the limo. "How were classes?"

I shrugged. "They were okay. Definitely decided against being a science major, that's for sure."

My father frowned. "Why not? Science is the future."

"Because I don't have any interest in it. I passed biology just fine, don't worry, but it was boring the entire semester. Even Dimitri couldn't make it interesting."

They shared a look.

My mother arched an eyebrow and asked, "Dimitri?"

I cursed under my breath, not meaning to bring him up. "He's my roommate's brother and a friend."

They shared another look.

"Just a friend, huh?" my father said.

"Really?" my mother said. "Because he just accepted my follow request on Instagram and it sure seems like he's more than just a friend to me."

"Mom!"

"What? I like to get to know my daughter's boyfriends." She turned to my father. "We'll have to make a pitstop in Ithaca to meet this Dimitri before we go to California."

I felt like slamming my head against the window, but I knew that would do no good. Neither would trying to convince them not to stop in Ithaca to meet Dimitri.

My phone buzzed.

Dimitri (15:37): Your mom just added me on Instagram…

Rose (15:37): I know, I'm sorry. I mentioned that you helped me with bio this semester and she hunted you down. Probably from my following on my main account.

Dimitri (15:38): Don't worry about it. I figured it would happen at one point or another. I've been getting follow requests from people who follow you for a while now, so I'm surprised it took them so long.

Rose (15:39): Them?

Dimitri (15:39): Your dad just added me too.

I looked up from my phone to see my parents watching me intently.

"Do not harass him. Do you understand me?" I said, glaring at the both of them.

"You really care for him, don't you?" my mother asked softly.

"Yeah, I do. I love him," I said, the words slipping out. I hadn't even told Dimitri that I loved him yet.

"We won't bother him," my dad said at last. "But we're still stopping in Ithaca to meet him. You can go ahead and tell him that."

I rolled my eyes.

Rose (15:41): I apologize on behalf of my parents. They've asked me to tell you that they'll be returning to Ithaca with me to meet you. I apologize in advance for that too.

* * *

Australia was warm the entire time that we were there, and for once, my parents spent the entire break with me in the same place. Christmas came and went and as January dragged on, texts between Dimitri and I became less frequent. Both of us had international texting and calling, but I knew he was more inclined to spend time with his family since he didn't get to see all of them as often. He and Viktoria had flown back to Russia for the month to visit with distant cousins and other relatives and friends. The rest of his family had flown out of Albany to meet them in Russia instead of the two driving to Albany and then catching the flight to Russia.

Before I knew it, I was boarding my parents' plane, since they were coming back with me for a short while, there was no point in flying separately. We touched down in Ithaca at two in the morning and Lissa was waiting for me in the parking lot.

"We'll be by in the morning, Rosemarie," my mom said. "Please be ready by eleven."

I gave them both hugs and agreed before I got in the car with Lissa.

"Dimitri and Viktoria are both at the dorm. He wants to see you before he goes to sleep," Lissa teased.

"I'm glad he's there," I said. "I think I'm going to tell him that I love him. I accidentally blurted it out to my parents, and I need to tell him too."

"You really love him?" Lissa asked.

"Yeah, I do. I really do."

Lissa pulled on to campus. "I'm really happy for you Rose."

The moment she put the car in park, I was out of the car and running up the dorm steps. I quickly swiped my ID to get through all the doors and finally unlocked the door. Dimitri stood up the moment the door opened, and I threw myself into his arms.

"I missed you."

"I missed you too, Roza," he said and leaned down to kiss me.

I surged up into the kiss, winding my fingers through his hair to deepen it. Lissa cleared her throat and we separated.

I shrugged. "It's been a month. Give us a break."

She laughed. "Okay, lovebirds. I'll see you in the morning."

We both wished her goodnight before I turned back to Dimitri.

"So, remember how my parents want to meet you?"

Dimitri nodded.

"Well, they're coming over in the morning to take us to brunch," I said. "Sorry for springing this on you barely eight hours in advance.

"It's okay, Roza. I figured that they would want to meet me the day after you got back so I've been preparing."

"Good," I said, leaning forward to kiss him again. I studied him for a moment before blurting, "Do you want to stay the night?" My cheeks instantly heated up. "I mean, it's late, we're both tired, and it'll be easier for in the morning with my parents—"

"Rose, breathe," he said. He glanced at his watch, his eyes widening when he realized that it was going on three in the morning. "I would be honored to spend the night, and my suitcase is here since I came straight here with Viktoria after we landed, so I don't see any issues."

"Okay," I said softly.

He went into the bathroom area to brush his teeth and I shut my bedroom door behind me to change into a pair of short and a button-down sleep shirt. I joined Dimitri at the other sink to brush my teeth as well before we both went into my room. I climbed on the bed first so that I was against the wall and Dimitri stripped down to his boxer briefs and t-shirt before climbing in the bed after me.

"Goodnight, Roza," he said, leaning forward to kiss me before he turned the lights out.

We laid in silence for a few moments before I rolled over to face him.

"Dimitri? Can I tell you something?"

"Always," he said.

"I love you."

I felt the bed move as he bolted upright and he turned the light back on. I sat up too.

"What?" he said, staring at me in shock.

"I love you," I repeated. "I realized it the first day in Australia, but I didn't want to tell you over text. I thought it would be better to tell you in person."

"Roza, I love you too," he murmured. "I have for a while, but I didn't want to scare you by saying it too soon."

I kissed him again, moving to straddle him. "I love you." I kept repeating it, relishing in finally being able to say it.

"Roza," he murmured. "We should stop and get some sleep. We don't have to rush into anything."

It was then that I noticed he was hard underneath me and I slid off his lap.

"Sorry. I got carried away."

"It's okay. We can take things slow. I'm not going anywhere."

I fell asleep in his arms and realized that I never wanted to wake up without him beside me.

* * *

We were both ready by eleven as requested by my parents the next morning and they were right on time. Brunch itself was fine and my dad didn't try to interrogate Dimitri while we were eating. He saved that for the ride back to the dorm.

"So, Belikov," he started. "What are your intentions with my daughter?"

"I love her," he said. "I want to be there for her as long as she needs me and wants me by her side."

"And if you hurt her?"

Dimitri shook his head. "I would never hurt her. As I said, I love her."

The questions continued, my mom jumping in to grill him too. They grilled him about Russia and life at Cornell all the way back to the dorm.

As we got out of the limo, my father got out as well.

"You sure do know how to pick them, Rose," he said, hugging me. He turned to Dimitri. "Don't fuck this up, Belikov, and welcome to the family."

The end of January signaled the first week of spring classes and professors were slamming me with work. The first week passed in a blur, and I spent nearly every night in the library trying to learn the material that was being thrown at me. Lissa usually joined me, mostly because she was also up to her chin in work, but also because she didn't want me walking across campus in the dark by myself. We both knew that the chances of something happening were slim because of Ithaca's low crime rate and because the campus was littered with blue police polls in case something were to happen.

It wasn't until the second Friday that I finally had time to see Dimitri again. He too had been slammed with classwork and homework, on top of having to continue being a TA. He showed up at the dorm just after seven, a takeout bag from a nearby Asian restaurant in his hand.

"God, I love you," I said, digging into my sweet and sour chicken.

Dimitri laughed. "Should have known the way to your heart was through your stomach."

We made small talk over dinner before going to my room to study. We had been studying for less than 30 minutes when I slammed my book shut.

"That's it," I said dramatically, flopping back on the bed. "I'm dropping out."

Dimitri glanced up from his textbook with a smile. "Are you now?"

"How am I supposed to get through the next three and a half years when I can't even get through _Beowulf_?"

He laughed. "They're making you read that for your English class?"

I sighed. "My dumbass decided that British Lit would be cool. I was wrong."

He chuckled, sliding his own textbook to the side so he could glance at mine. It was a thick textbook since half of the stories were originally written in old English and the authors decided to keep the original texts, with a modern English translation on the opposite pages.

"Do you have to write a paper on it?"

"Yeah, I'm doing a film analysis comparing the text to the Angelina Jolie movie of it," I said. "It seemed like the easiest choice, but this entire class is so stupid. It's barely the third week, and I'm already over it."

"I would offer to trade," he said, holding up his textbook, "but I don't think you would enjoy BioChem very much."

I made a face and Dimitri laughed.

"I've definitely ruled science-themed out of my list of potential majors," I said. "I have no interest in that or math."

"You still have another year and a half to choose too," he said, reminding me that most people were well into their sophomore year before they decided on a major. Even then, plenty of people changed their majors after declaring their first.

I sighed and turned back to my book, trying (and failing) to follow along with the old English. Dimitri was quiet on his side of the bed; his chemistry was book propped open in front of him while he furiously typed away on his computer. I still couldn't focus.

"Dimitri?"

"One moment," he said, continue to write something down in his notebook before looking up at me. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing's wrong," I promised. "I've been thinking about it a lot and I know you said we could go slow with our relationship, but I'm ready. I want you to be my first."


	8. Chapter 8

**Hi everybody! I hope y'all are having a good fall/winter/spooky season so far! I apologize for taking a few months to update this story and I can't promise when the next update will be, but hopefully before the new year! Anyways, enjoy this chapter and leave your thoughts at the end in a review!**

* * *

I woke up to my phone ringing. I didn't bother to check the caller ID or the time.

"Hello?"

"Rose? Are you okay?" my mother asked.

"I'm fine, why?" I said, sitting up. I tried moving my ankle to gauge the pain and was pleased to see that while it was still sore, the pain had definitely lessened while I was sleeping.

"Don't lie to us, Rosemarie," my dad chimed in.

"I'm not lying! I'm fine," I persisted, wanting to avoid the topic as long as possible.

My bedroom door cracked open and Lissa and Dimitri appeared.

"We should have this conversation in person," my mom said. "We're sending the plane to Ithaca and we expect you here by morning.

"Mom, I can't just drop everything and come to wherever you are!" I glanced over at my alarm clock. "Especially not at one in the morning!"

"We're in New York City and we know you don't have any finals. You can come and spend the rest of the week with us before we all fly back for your graduation on Saturday," my dad said. "The plane should be there in an hour."

The line went dead and I groaned.

"What's wrong?" Lissa asked, perching on the bed.

Dimitri turned on the light and started to examine my ankle again.

"My parents know something is up. The hospital or police station must have called them. They want me to come back to NYC for the week."

Lissa looked stricken. "I can't come with you, Rose. I have finals until Thursday."

"It's okay, Liss. I can go by myself. I can handle them."

If I repeated it enough, it would become true. Hopefully.

"I can go with you," Dimitri said softly. "If you don't want to be alone."

"Dimitri, no. You came back here to spend time with Viktoria. I can't pull you away from her," I said. "It's bad enough that you're here babying me instead of spending time with her."

"Rose, I want to be here," he said, his eyes earnest. "I've missed you and I like spending time with you. Yes, I came here for Viktoria, but she understands. At least let me fly with you out there. I've already lost you once, I don't want it to happen again. I can drive back once you're settled in and safe."

There was a fierce look in his eyes, and I knew that it wasn't worth fighting or arguing about it.

"Okay," I said with a sign. "My parents said the plane would be here and ready in an hour. Is my ankle okay?"

"I'm pretty sure that it's not broken," he said. "We should stop on the way to the airport and get you a brace to help support your ankle, but it looks like a minor sprain."

"Good," I said. "The last thing I want is to go back to the hospital. Although that would probably be preferable to dealing with my parents."

"Why do you hate hospitals?" Dimitri questioned. "I don't remember you hating them when we took Viktoria to the ER when she broke her wrist after spring break."

I could feel Lissa staring at me and I avoided looking at her because I knew that I'd see her urging me to tell him like Adrian had earlier that morning.

"I don't want to talk about it," I said.

Lissa sighed but didn't say anything and Dimitri didn't push the subject.

"Viktoria is going to bring me a bag with some necessities," he said while Lissa started to pack me a bag. "She'll be here in twenty minutes and then we can go."

The moment he left the room, Lissa sat down in front of me.

"Rose," she started. "You need to tell him."

"Why? It's in the past."

"He deserves to know."

"Lissa, drop it. Please."

She gave me a sad look. "If your roles were reversed, wouldn't you want to know?"

"There's no point in telling him three years after the fact," I said. "It's just going to cause more problems and more pain."

"The anniversary is coming up soon. You shouldn't have to suffer alone."

"It doesn't matter what I want," I hissed. "I'm not going to drag him into my pain and suffering for something that he couldn't do anything about. I didn't tell him when it happened for a reason. We both needed a clean break and that would have only dragged him back. He would have thrown away everything and I couldn't do that to him then and I won't do it to him now. I don't deserve to be selfish right now. He's happy in NYC and I'm not going to weasel my way in and cause him more pain and hurt than I already have. Please. Drop it."

"I wish you wouldn't think so low of yourself," Lissa said. "But I'll drop it. I won't say anything."

A few moments later, Dimitri appeared in the doorway again, a bag in hand, and I hoped that he hadn't heard any of that.

"Vika just dropped this off," he said, gesturing to the bag. "Are you ready?"

I nodded. "Yeah, I'm ready."

Lissa helped carried the bags out to Dimitri's car while Dimitri assisted me in walking. The pain was less than before while walking which I was grateful for. Lissa gave me a tight hug before I got in the car, and there was a look in her eye, but she didn't say anything.

"I'll text you when we land," I promised.

She nodded and stepped back from the car. "Be safe."

Dimitri pulled out of the underground garage slowly, having to wait for the gate to open. It was silent on the way to the airport and a smooth ride, save for when Dimitri stopped at a CVS to grab an ankle brace.

I directed Dimitri to pull up right on to the tarmac where the plane was already waiting.

"I'll have them bring you back here on the plane after I'm settled in in NYC so your car will still be here, safe. My parents have a deal with the airport that we own this little area of the tarmac for our team and staff." I said and gestured to a smaller building near the plane. "That's where they'll keep your car so it's out of the way and safe."

"Okay," he said, putting the car into park. He grabbed the bags and brought them to the plane before coming back to help me to the plane while one of my parents' staff moved Dimitri's car to the garage.

"Miss Hathaway Mazur," the pilot greeted as we walked up the steps. "How are you doing this evening?"

"I'd be better if my parents weren't summoning me," I said with a small smile.

The pilot laughed. "Always have to do what they say, huh?"

"You know it," I said.

He greeted Dimitri before we settled in our seats. The seatbelt sign came on and once we were strapped in, we were cleared for takeoff.

I texted Adrian to let him know that I was coming to the city and he responded shortly after, saying that he would pick us up.

Dimitri was looking around in awe, and I remembered that my parents had upgraded the plane in the three years since Dimitri was on it last.

"The seats stretch out into beds, if you wanted to sleep," I said, gesturing to where the levers were to expand.

"It's only a thirty-minute flight if that. I'll be fine," he said. "How are you feeling?"

"Nervous. The only reason they're summoning me is because they know."

"Is that such a bad thing? Your parents have so many resources that they could undoubtedly help you."

I shrugged. "You don't know them like I do."

Dimitri didn't say anything, and we sat in silence for the rest of the flight. I pulled up a book to read, while Dimitri played a game on his phone.

Forty minutes passed before the pilot announced that we would be landing at LaGuardia within five minutes. I texted Adrian as soon as we landed and I got cell service back and he responded with the affirmative that he was already on the tarmac, waiting.

"How are we getting to your house?" Dimitri questioned as he grabbed the bags.

"Adrian agreed to pick us up," I said. "He's already on the tarmac."

Dimitri frowned but didn't say anything.

"Adrian's not a bad guy," I said. "He's helped me through a lot."

"I didn't say he was a bad guy, but, Rose, it should have been me caring for you and helping you for the last three years."

I shook my head. "No, it shouldn't have been. We were unhealthy, Dimitri. You have to know that. Adrian's been my best friend for years and I love him."

"But not like you love me."

" _Loved_ ," I said. "Past tense."

He frowned again and walked ahead of me to pass the bags to where Adrian was waiting at the foot of the stairs. The look on his face told me that he had heard our conversation and I sighed. Dimitri came back up the stairs to help me down them and brushed off Adrian's attempt to help as well.

I sat in the front seat, with Dimitri in the back of the SUV. The car ride was quiet, but luckily the ride was short. The airport was less than a fifteen-minute drive to my parents' house near Central Park. While JFK was the preferable airport, it would've tacked on an extra fifteen minutes since it was further and thirty minutes of silence in a car was not something I wanted to deal with tonight.

Adrian pulled into the underground garage behind the building and left Dimitri to grab the bags while assisting me in the elevator. We rode to the unit at the top of the building, which consisted of four floors. We skipped the first floor of the unit since that was all bedrooms, going the tenth floor instead. We rode the elevator in silence and the ding of the elevator opening reverberated around the room.

There was multiple giant floor the ceiling windows looking out over the city that spanned the first two floors of this unit. The second floor had a glass railing overlooking the living room and there was a formal dining room with a long table adjacent to the living room. There was a library on the other side of the dining room, and I made a note to spend some time there while I was here. Maybe I'll bring back a book or two for Lissa.

"Are you hungry?" Adrian asked, leading me to the couch to sit down. He went and pulled the white gauzy curtains across the windows, blocking out some of the city's light.

"Yeah, I'm starving actually," I said. I glanced over at Dimitri, who was still standing near the elevator. "I slept for like twelve hours after the gym, or something like that, right?"

Dimitri nodded. "Yeah, you were out for a while after everything that happened."

Adrian's eyes narrowed. "Let's go up to the kitchen and you can tell me about everything that happened."

Adrian helped me back to the elevator since, for whatever reason, the designer of the building put the kitchen for this unit on the eleventh floor.

"Feel free to choose whichever bedroom on the left side that you want, Dimitri," I said. "Or if you wanted to go to one of the other units, that's fine too. My parents aren't renting the other two out right now, so you have free reign. I still have the same bedroom that I did three years ago, but Adrian's staying the room next to mine."

"You live here too?" Dimitri questioned as we stepped off the elevator.

"Rose offered when I decided to go the NYU a couple of years ago. Said the house was empty most of the year and that her parents wouldn't mind if I stayed, especially since they've known me since I was young," Adrian said.

Dimitri nodded slowly. He held up my bag. "I'll take this down to your room and then probably go to bed myself. I'll be across the hall from your room, Rose."

He walked back into the elevator, leaving Adrian and me along. Adrian gave me a look as the elevator doors closed and I sighed. He assisted me over to the tiny table in the kitchen before walking over to the fridge to grab food.

"Have you told him?" Adrian said, his back to me. "I heard you mention on the plane that I have helped you through a lot, and I figured you were about to tell him then."

"Did Lissa put you up to this?"

He didn't turn back to look at me as he continued to pull ingredients for omelets out of the fridge.

"I'm going to tell you the same thing that I told Lissa: drop it," I said. "I'm not telling him and nothing either of you can say will get me to change my mind."

"If that's what you think is best."

"It is what I think is best, and it's what I know is best. There's nothing good that can come out of him knowing. Nothing at all. We all know that I'm not over him and I don't think that I will ever be over him and telling about something that happened in the past, that couldn't be changed or avoided, isn't going to help anything at all!"

Adrian placed the omelet in front of me with a fork and sat down across from me at the table with his own omelet.

"I'm sorry, Rose," he said. "I'm not trying to pressure you into doing anything."

"Good. Then drop it."

He nodded. "So now, what's everything that happened today?"

" _He_ was at the gym this morning," I mumbled. "I fell off the treadmill and sprained my ankle. Dimitri held him down until the police got there."

"Rose! Why didn't you say something sooner?"

"I didn't want to bother you," I said. "It's fine. I'm fine."

"No, you're not. We both know it," Adrian said. "But I'll do whatever it takes to help you be okay again. You know Lissa will do the same."

"Thank you. For everything."

* * *

 **Leave your thoughts with what you think Rose might need to tell Dimitri! Also just wanted to say that this story has completely strayed away from what my original idea/story was for my creative writing class last semester so I don't really know where I'm going with the story as of right now, beyond a few flashback chapters that I already have planned.**


	9. Chapter 9

**Hey y'all! So this is the big chapter that I'm sure everyone has been waiting for. I started writing this chapter a year ago when I started writing this fic and I had originally started writing it with the first half in Dimitri's POV, but I decided to change it to Rose's POV since all of the fic is in her POV and it felt wrong to change it suddenly like that. I've been editing and changing this chapter for months, adding to it and building it to fit additional details that I've added in beyond my first basic outline of the chapter. I hope y'all enjoy and leave a review with your thoughts, comments, and questions!**

* * *

 **Four Years Ago**

I walked out of my first final on Monday with a sigh, wishing that final exams weren't a thing. I still had three more finals later this week, including my stupid British Lit one. I knew that I should go to the library to start studying for my other finals, but today was Dimitri's only free day and I wanted to spend as much time with him before he locked himself away for his finals and all the preparation for his graduation on Saturday. I had a text waiting from Dimitri on my phone.

Dimitri (11:14): I know you're in your final still, but I wanted to remind you that I'm treating you and Viktoria to lunch when you get out, so don't go to the library. I'm heading over to your dorm now and I'll see you shortly. I love you.

I smiled reading the text message. I started to respond but instead decided to wait until I got back to the dorm since it wouldn't take me long to walk back. It took less than ten minutes to get there and I swiped my ID to get into my hall at the dorm once I was inside and walked down to our room. The door wasn't shut completely when I reached it and I slipped in, shutting the door quietly as I heard Viktoria and Dimitri talking from her bedroom.

I stopped by my room to drop off my backpack before walking further down the hall to Viktoria's room.

"Rose is…complicated," Dimitri said.

I froze in the hallway, a shiver running through me.

"Complicated how?" Viktoria demanded. "She's your girlfriend, Dimitri. You need to tell her. I can't believe you've waited this long!"

"She had abandonment issues, Vika," he said softly.

"You're not abandoning her," Viktoria said. "And her family has that huge residence in New York City that we stayed at during spring break. It's not that far; she could always visit you and you could always visit her."

"She took you leaving pretty hard. And you're only her roommate."

I heard Viktoria throw something at Dimitri. " _Only_?"

"You know what I mean," he said. "We're dating, so we're closer. She's only known us for a handful of months, but she got so attached. I'm worried about how she's going to take it.

"Did she really take it hard? About me transferring?" Viktoria's voice was filled with concern.

I could feel my chest getting tight and it wouldn't go away. There was blood rushing in my ears, and I could barely hear them still talking.

"But why? I'm not _leaving_ , not really," Viktoria said.

Her voice sounded far away, and I didn't hear what else she said. I found myself walking down the hall, closer to where they were talking and froze outside Lissa's closed bedroom door when I faintly heard Dimitri speak up again.

"Rose sees it as if she did something or that she caused it. She blames herself for people leaving, even if it has nothing to do with her. It's a side effect of growing up with her parents never being there, and a constant revolution of help and nannies." He stopped and sighed. "When we spent the night together last week, I couldn't sleep so I got up to go for a walk, and she stopped me. She asked me to stay with her and to not leave as everybody else does. I don't think she remembers it."

I leaned against the wall, my legs shaking and my heart still racing. My chest was still tight, but it doesn't get any tighter.

"You should have already told her! If you've known that she has these issues, you should have told her the moment you found out," Viktoria scolded.

"And how exactly am I supposed to do that? Just go up to her and say I've accepted a position for medical school four hours away?"

I felt like I couldn't breathe and quickly moved into Lissa's room, pushing the door shut behind me. I didn't care enough to shut it quietly and I knew they would realize that someone else was in the dorm, but I wanted to avoid them knowing it was me. I didn't want to see either of them right now.

I crawled under the covers on Lissa's bed and faced the wall, my back to the door. Lissa's bed smelled like her and I breathed deep, relaxing a bit as I felt comforted, almost as if she was there with me. My eyes burned with the effort of holding back tears, and my nose started to run. My chest was still tight, and I had to remind myself to keep breathing even though it was hard.

 _Dimitri's leaving_. _He's leaving_ me.

I blindly texted Lissa, hoping that she was near the dorm and could come quickly. My phone vibrated a moment later confirming that she was on her way back.

Rose (12:31): Please hurry. I need you.

Lissa (12:31): What's wrong? Did something happen?

Rose (12:32): Please just hurry.

Rose (12:33): I'm in your room.

I couldn't type the words and I curled up into a smaller ball, trying to take up the least amount of room possible. My head was pounding as I remembered Dimitri's words.

He was right, in some ways. People always left me, that was the way it always worked. That's why my mother always stressed for me to not get attached to people. They always leave.

I don't know why I thought Dimitri would be different.

I was silently crying, my body shaking, when Lissa entered the room. She shut the door softly behind me and climbed in the bed and laid next to me. She didn't say anything. She just held me.

I don't know how much time had passed when I turned to face Lissa, but when I did, I could immediately see the worry in her eyes.

"Rose, what's wrong?" she whispered.

"Are Dimitri and Viktoria still here?" I asked softly.

She nodded. "Dimitri asked me if I knew where you were. I told him I haven't seen or heard from you. I figured that you were in my room to avoid them knowing that you were here. Did something happen with Dimitri?"

"Not directly," I said. I glanced down at my phone, realizing that had two text messages from Dimitri.

Dimitri (12:35): Where are you? Did you still want to get lunch?

Dimitri (13:03): Rose?

A glance at the clock showed that it was nearly one-thirty, and my stomach growled.

"Not directly?" Lissa said. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"I overheard Dimitri and Viktoria talking," I said. "He's leaving."

"Leaving? To go where?"

"Medical school," I said. "He didn't even tell me he had applied to medical school. He never fucking mentioned anything about it."

"Do you know where?"

I shook my head. "Viktoria mentioned something about New York City, so I assume there but I ran into your room before they realized that I was here. Dimitri was asking Viktoria for advice for how to tell me he was leaving, and it hit me like a slap in the face."

"Rose," Lissa said tentatively. "You know he's not leaving because of you, right?"

"I don't know that," I whispered. "I don't know anything!"

"He loves you," she said. "You know that."

"I love him with everything I have, Lissa," I said. "I gave him everything, and he couldn't even bring himself to tell me he was going to med school. And it's not even one close by."

"Rose, you won't know until you talk to him," she said. "Maybe the one in NYC that he chose is the closest that he could get to Ithaca. You don't know."

"Exactly. I don't know. But I should. We've been dating for eight months. He's known for longer than that that he was going to med school, and probably has known which schools he got into for at least a month or two."

"I'm sorry, Rose," she whispered.

"I gave him everything," I repeated. "And he's leaving. He's leaving me."

"He's not leaving because of you," Lissa said. "Rose, you haven't done anything wrong."

"God, I was so fucking stupid," I continued as if Lissa hadn't spoken. "He's graduating; did I really make myself believe that he would stick around forever?"

"It's not your fault," Lissa said again, automatically.

"You don't know that!"

"You don't know that either," she said. "You need to talk to him."

I sighed, brushed away more tears. "My mom always told me that I shouldn't get attached to people because they always leave, and I wish I could go back in time. I've just been lying here concocting situations of what I did wrong. Maybe it was a big elaborate scheme to get me into his bed, one I fell for hook, line, and sinker."

"You slept with him?" Lissa said quietly.

"I have been since February. He made it seem so romantic and it was perfect, Lissa. I thought we were perfect."

She didn't berate me for not telling her, even though we had both promised that we would tell each other about our first times.

"It's going to be okay, Rose," Lissa said. "It's all going to be okay."

* * *

The rest of the week passed in a blur. I tried to spend as much time outside of the dorm as possible, not wanting to see Dimitri or Viktoria. I didn't answer either of their texts, even though multiple were coming in daily. I did eventually answer one message from Dimitri when he asked me if I was okay. I wrote back that I was fine and haven't checked my messages from him since. That was Tuesday and today was Friday. I turned off notifications for text specifically for him and Viktoria so that I could avoid them that much easier, but I could see the number of unread messages building up. I thought about deleting the messages, but I couldn't bring myself to actually do it.

I threw myself into my studies, spending all night in the library, reading and rereading my notes and textbooks as I prepared to take my finals. Even though I finished my last final on Thursday, I still had spent all day in the library on Friday.

"Rose."

I looked up as Dimitri sat down across from me. His face was guarded and there were bags under his eyes. The library was nearly empty, and the clock read one thirty in the morning.

"You've been ignoring me," he said softly.

"I've been studying," I said. I looked back at my laptop, avoiding meeting his eyes.

"We both know that you're just using that as an excuse," he said, taking the laptop away from me so that I would have to face him. "You finished all of your finals Thursday afternoon."

"I don't want to do this here," I said, weary. "Please. I just want to be alone."

"Then let's go back to the dorm," he challenged. "We need to talk, and you need to get some sleep. You've been avoiding the dorm like it is the plague."

All of the pent up hurt and anger I've had over the past week built up, and I finally met his eyes. "Fine. You want to talk? Let's go then. But I'm not going back to the dorm with you."

I grabbed my laptop back from him and shoved it in my backpack before grabbing my phone. There was a message from Lissa that I ignored for the time being, but there was also a notification from my reminder app.

Dimitri's graduation was tomorrow. Or rather today, since it was past midnight.

My chest tightened and I locked my phone. I had already promised that I would go, but part of me didn't want to. Dimitri obviously realized things were off between us, considering how he cornered me in the library, and I knew that skipping his graduation wouldn't do anything but tear us apart further.

Part of me wanted that. Part of me wanted to sabotage what we had left so that it was easier when things broke off between us for good, but I knew that I would regret not going to the graduation ceremony if I skipped it.

We walked out of the library and I relished in the slightly chilly air. The streetlamps around campus were all lit, casting a soft glow over everything and every 100 feet, there was a bright blue police pole, each glowing blue and clearly visible.

"Come back with me to the dorm, Roza," Dimitri murmured. "It's not a good idea to walk around campus in the middle of the night when there's hardly anyone around."

"Ithaca is plenty safe. The crime rate is so low here that it's practically non-existent," I said, ignoring how the way he said _Roza_ made me feel. "I've told Lissa the same thing countless times."

"I don't care how safe you think Ithaca is. Bad things can always happen," he said. "Please."

I relented. "I will allow you to drive me back to the dorm, but we can talk on the way there."

Dimitri nodded. He knew that that was as close to a compromise as I would get. I followed him to the car and let him open the door for me. It shut behind me and I took a deep breath, waiting for Dimitri to walk around the car. As soon as his door shut, I sighed. I knew that this wasn't going to be an easy conversation, and by the look Dimitri gave me as he started the car, he knew it too.

"Roza, what's wrong?"

"Don't. Please."

"Don't what?"

"Don't call me that. Don't pretend like everything is okay! Don't pretend like you aren't leaving me after you promised you wouldn't. Take your pick!" I could feel tears building up as I forced out the last part.

He sighed. "That's what this is about?" He sounded resigned.

"Of course, that's what this is about!" My voice cracked and I felt the first tear fall.

"Rose—"

"Don't try to make excuses. When were you going to tell me?" I demanded, my eyes narrowing even though he wasn't looking at me. His eyes were still fixed on the road as we pulled into the parking lot in front of the dorm. "Were you going to wait until the day you had to leave m- the day you had to leave?"

I caught my slip of tongue at the last moment, but we both knew what I was going to say.

"Roza, please just listen to me."

"You never even told me you applied to med school," I whispered, my voice breaking again.

Dimitri was silent.

"We've been dating for eight months!" I continued. "And you never even told me."

As he sat silent still, another thought dawned on me.

"When we were in New York City over spring break, your mom was never in town was she? You and Viktoria went and toured your new campus, didn't you?"

Dimitri didn't deny it and another wave of anger rolled through me.

"I'm sorry," he said. "I didn't know how to tell you. But it can still be okay. I'll only be four hours away and it's still Cornell, just in a different city. We can make this work."

I opened the car door. "I can't do this right now, Dimitri. I haven't been sleeping, I've barely been eating, it's not healthy."

A silent _we're not healthy_ " hung at the end of my sentence.

"Rose, wait. Please. I'm sorry," he said, getting out of the car too.

He joined me on the passenger side and pulled me into a hug. I couldn't resist and I hugged him back, the tears starting to fall freely.

"Please."

"I'll think about it," I said, even though I knew that wasn't true. I had already made my decision. I leaned up on my tiptoes to kiss him one last time, ignoring the taste of salt from my tears mingling with his. "I'll see in the morning for your graduation."

The dorm was dark and quiet when I walked in, leaving Dimitri in the parking lot. I fell asleep shortly after my head hit the pillow, sleep deprivation from the past week catching up with me.

* * *

Sunlight was barely coming through my curtains when I woke up, but the clock showed that it was nearly ten in the morning. My phone still had that stupid reminder about Dimitri's graduation, but I couldn't bring myself to clear it. I knew that I would have to start getting ready if I wanted to make it on time.

I listened closely to see if anybody was up. I didn't hear anything and opened my door to get in the shower. There still wasn't anyone in the common areas when I got out of the shower, a towel wrapped around me and my hair dripping wet. I walked to the kitchen to get cereal before barricading myself back in my room. I was pouring my milk when I heard a door open.

I turned to put the milk back in the fridge and saw Viktoria standing there. I could tell that she wanted to say something, but neither of us knew how. Surely Dimitri had told her what had happened, and she knew that I had seen the messages she sent and left them unanswered. I walked out of the kitchen without saying anything, cereal bowl in hand, and shut my door.

Lissa slipped into my room moments later. One look at her face and I knew that she knew I was planning on ending things with Dimitri. I quietly ate my cereal while she tamed and braided my hair into two Dutch braids.

"Do you think I'm making the wrong decision?"

My chest started to ache again, and worry nagged at me. Thinking of Dimitri's face as I turned and left him made my vision go blurry as my body tried to force out more tears.

Lissa didn't say anything for a moment. "I think you made the decision that was best for you. Could you make it work? Probably. NYC isn't really that far, especially since you could use your dad's jet whenever they don't have it out of the country. And you could go on breaks to see him. But what toll would it have on you? And on him? In the long run, would it only make things worse?"

"I love him, Lissa," I whispered. I forced my tears back, not wanting to have bloodshot eyes when I met Dimitri's family.

"I know," she murmured. "I know."

"And it's so fucking stupid that I'm meeting his family on the same day that our relationship is going to be over," I said.

"You don't have to go," she said gently.

"I already told him that I was."

She finished braiding my hair as I finished eating and helped zip me into my dress. I had chosen a black lace tiered Zimmermann dress and I had known as soon as I saw it that it was the perfect dress, even though I was originally looking for something cheaper since I hadn't wanted to flaunt my wealth in front of Dimitri's family. Dimitri had told me that it was okay, and he had loved the dress as much as I did when he saw it.

Lissa helped with my makeup, making sure that it was applied lightly and not overdone. I only had a few more minutes of stalling before I would have to go out to the living room where I knew Dimitri and Viktoria were both waiting for me. Their family would be out there too. Today was the day that I was supposed to meet his other sisters, mother, and grandmother, and though I had once looked forward to it, I now dreaded it.

I fastened my black heels and sighed, looking in the mirror once more. I looked presentable on the outside, despite the turmoil on the inside. My parents would be proud.

"Text me if you need anything," Lissa said, handing me my purse where my phone and wallet were.

"I will," I promised.

As soon as I walked into the living room, the talking stopped, and I froze. Dimitri looked wary, as if I might bolt at any moment. Viktoria was looking at me cautiously too. I forced a smile and walked over to stand next to Dimitri.

"Roza, you look gorgeous," he murmured, putting an arm around my waist.

I let myself pretend that everything was okay, only just to let this day go smoothly and because I knew that I would be craving Dimitri's touch the moment that he was gone for good.

"Mama, this is Roza. Roza, this is my mother, Olena," Dimitri said to the older woman standing in front of him. "She's finishing up her first year here."

Olena said something in Russian, staring at Dimitri before turning to me with a warm smile.

"My son is right. You do look gorgeous," she said warmly. "It's a pleasure to meet you. Dimka wouldn't stop talking about you the last time I saw him."

I smiled. "It's a pleasure to meet you as well, Mrs. Belikova."

"Please, call me Olena," she insisted.

Dimitri introduced me to his other two sisters, Karolina and Sonja, before introducing me to his grandmother, Yeva. Yeva gave me a look, glancing over me, before muttering something in Russian and walking away.

Dimitri frowned but didn't translate and I sighed.

"We should get going," Viktoria said, breaking the silence.

The field was packed when we arrived. Tickets were grouped by section and number, and since Dimitri had gotten his family tickets and me a ticket at the same time, we were all in the same section. Viktoria motioned for me to sit beside her.

The ceremony started soon after, and Dimitri was among one of the first to walk across the stage. His family hollered and screamed as they announced his honors and for the first time in days, I smiled. He looked happy on the stage, clutching his diploma, a grin on his face. The rest of the graduation dragged on as hundreds of people got their diplomas. My eyes tracked Dimitri the entire time and I got lost in thought. Sometime later, Viktoria nudged me and I realized that the graduates were filing off the field. We met up near the library in front of the fountain so that we could take pictures before Dimitri's family was going to help Viktoria move her stuff out.

"Roza, let me take a picture of you and Dimka!" Olena said, gesturing for me to stand next to him after the other pictures had been taken.

I did as she asked and stood next to Dimitri in his red gown and decorated cap. He wrapped his arm around my waist, and I put my hand on his chest. I smiled for the camera before glancing up at Dimitri. He was looking at me and there were longing and love in his eyes and I heard the click of the camera as another picture was taken.

"Roza, would you like to come to lunch with us?" Olena asked after she stowed the camera.

Yeva mumbled something under her breath that I couldn't make out, and I got the suspicion that even if I had been able to hear her, I wouldn't have been able to understand her. Or liked what she had to say if it was in English.

Karolina looped her arm through her grandmother's and led her away, Sonja trailing after them.

"I appreciate the offer, but I actually need to finish packing. My parents are helping me move out today," I said, smiling.

Dimitri gave me a look. He knew that it was a bullshit excuse. My parents weren't anywhere near Ithaca. But I also knew that he knew I would be gone from the dorm by the time that they returned from lunch to get Viktoria's stuff moved out.

I held back the tears as I gave Dimitri a final hug, still playing the role of the perfect girlfriend. Dimitri wrapped his arms around me tightly, pulling me to his chest. I know that he felt my shoulders shake, but he just held me tighter. I pulled back slightly to kiss him one last time too, and it was the sweetest kiss that we had ever shared.

"I'm sorry," I whispered against his lips before pulling away.

I ignored the pang in my chest as I turned to leave. I refused to look back, knowing it would only hurt more. I hoped that Dimitri would be happy, that he would move on once he was in New York City. I erased all of the half-written texts that I had wanted to send over the past week, and I changed my number the next day.

* * *

 **So I thought about combining this chapter and the next flashback chapter (which will be the next chapter posted) but I decided to make them two separate chapters because if I combined them, the chapter would probably end up being more than 8K words and I felt that it didn't really flow as one combined chapter. This chapter is a little over 4K words, and the next chapter will probably be around the same since it's already at 3K and I'm not done yet. I'm hoping to have the next chapter up soon!**


	10. Chapter 10

**I hope everybody has had a great holiday month for whatever they celebrate! I was hoping to have this chapter out a little sooner, but I got super distracted and busy with my final term papers and the holiday season, so I didn't touch the chapter for a while even though most of it was written! Anyway, I hope y'all enjoy this flashback, which explains a lot that has come up recently in the previous chapters, and then the next chapter will be back in the present time! Enjoy!**

* * *

 **Four Years Ago**

 **Two Weeks Later**

I was sitting on the roof of my and Lissa's new apartment building, shivering despite the warmth, even as the sun set. My phone was by my side and my old text messages to Dimitri were open. I kept telling myself to delete them but every time that I went to do so, I couldn't actually bring myself to hit that button.

I had been miserable and so I barricaded myself on the roof so that I wouldn't keep making Lissa miserable too. There was no reason that she had to suffer just because I was suffering.

I knew that it was my choice to let Dimitri go but I also knew that I would have been miserable if I stayed with him because I would never be able to stop thinking about what else he wasn't telling me.

I don't know how long I was up on the roof before Lissa found me, but the sun had long set and I had moved closer to the brick wall that surrounded the roof.

"Rose!" Lissa called and I looked up at her through bloodshot eyes. "What are you doing?"

I had been staring at Dimitri's Instagram since I got the notification that he had posted a new photo. It was a picture of him and Viktoria in New York City, on top of the Empire State Building.

"He looks so happy," I whispered, turning my phone towards her so she could see too.

"Looks can be deceiving, Rose," she said, trying to take my phone from my hand so that I would stop staring at the picture. "You need to unfollow him. Remove him from your account too. You need a clean break."

"I can't, Lissa," I said. "I miss him. This is my only connection now."

"Rose, give me your phone."

"No," I said, clutching it to my chest. I was closer to the brick wall now, my back resting against it.

Lissa tried to grab it, accidentally knocking it out of my hands and over the wall. It disappeared, falling ten stories to the ground and I leaned over the wall, as if I tried hard enough, I could get it back.

"No!"

Lissa grabbed me from leaning too far over the wall and I cried. Everything was on that phone and it was probably all lost now.

"Rose, I think it's best if we get out of Ithaca for a little bit," she said. She looked nervous. "I know Adrian has been dying to see you."

"Anywhere but there," I whispered.

Adrian was in New York City and being closer to Dimitri is not what I needed right now.

"I already told him we were coming. The chances of seeing Dimitri anywhere are so slim anyway. The city is huge. Nobody but Adrian will know that we're there either," she said. "Come on."

She helped me stand, even as I was still crying.

"It's okay, Rose. It'll be okay," she whispered as she led me back to our apartment. A bag was already packed for me on my bed and Lissa grabbed it, her bag already by the front door. We stopped on the sidewalk to pick up my smashed phone and Lissa put it in her backpack.

The ride to the airport was short, and my parents' plane was sitting on the tarmac.

"Are they there?" I asked softly.

"I'm not sure. I mentioned that I wanted to take you away for the weekend and they sent the plane," Lissa said.

I boarded the plane, curling up in the seat that I usually sat in. Lissa sat across the aisle from me and typed something out on her phone before we taxied out on the runway.

I fell asleep during the flight, something that I didn't usually do, considering that the flight was so short, but I had been exhausted recently no matter how much sleep I got. Lissa thought it might be leftover sleep deprivation from when I spent the week in the library hiding from Dimitri and Viktoria. I was inclined to agree with her since I had read an article that mentioned that catch up sleep wasn't a thing.

Adrian was waiting on the tarmac when we arrive at JFK airport and I threw myself into his arms. He hugged me tightly before slinging an arm around my shoulder and the other arm around Lissa's shoulder as we walked to the car.

"How are you doing?"

I shrugged. "I'll get better eventually."

Adrian and Lissa shared a look.

"Well, let's start with getting you some sleep. Lissa said you've been tired a lot?"

I nodded. "Yeah, it's a been a rough couple of weeks."

"Probably makes my plan for tomorrow ridiculous, but we're going to hit up Dylan's Candy Bar tomorrow and get you stocked on sugar and all the necessary things for healing a broken heart."

We did exactly that in the morning. Adrian woke us up bright and early so that we were first in line for the candy store. We snacked on candy as we walked around the store, with Lissa keeping track of everything that we were eating so that we could pay for it. Adrian piled my basket high with sweets and chocolates and swiped his MasterCard before I could even reach for my wallet once we had reached the checkout.

The next step in Lissa's and Adrian's "Make Rose Feel Better" plan was taking me to the movies for a movie marathon. Lissa had rented out their tiniest theater so that we were alone and we gorged ourselves on popcorn, candy, and soda while movies played continuously for hours. By the time we left the movie theater, it was dark outside, and I was stuffed full, and a little nauseous.

There was silence in the car and I almost started to fall back asleep again until I realized that Adrian had missed a turn to go to my parents' residence.

"Adrian, where are we going?"

"Lissa said that you were close to another breakdown?" he said softly.

"She's wrong," I said, turning in my seat to glare at her.

"Rose, she said you were on the roof more often than not, just staring at your phone. That sounds pretty similar to last time."

"I'm allowed to be hurt and sad over this," I said. "I loved Dimitri with everything I had. It doesn't mean that I'm about to have a breakdown."

Even as I said the words, I knew that they weren't as true as I wanted them to be.

"We don't want this to be a repeat of last time. You're sleep-deprived, having depressive episodes, and God knows what else," Adrian said. "You don't have a choice right now, Rose. I'm sorry. But this is the best hospital in New York City and we both know that it's going to help you."

My eyes narrowed as Adrian pulled into the parking lot of Grace Hill Hospital. "Do my parents know you're admitting me?"

"They're already inside, filling out the paperwork and taking care of everything," Lissa said from the backseat. "I'm sorry that I tricked you, Rose, but I know this is going to help you."

My parents appeared by the door to the car as Adrian shifted it into park, and my dad opened my door. He pulled me into a hug. I got over my shock quickly and hugged him back.

"How are you feeling?" he asked, concern in his voice.

"I'm fine," I said. "I don't need to be admitted to an in-patient program. I promise I'm fine."

"The paperwork is already completed, Rose. They're going to evaluate you in the morning and determine your treatment plan. We can visit you at any time we want to."

A nurse came up to the five of us. "Miss Hathaway Mazur? Your room is ready for you if you want to follow me."

"Go, Rose," Lissa said. "Get some rest and get some help."

I gave her and Adrian a hug. As pissed as I was about them tricking me, I knew that I needed help. And I knew that a week or two without my phone and without a way to creep on Dimitri or Viktoria would also do me good.

A week passed quickly, having been evaluated early the first morning and diagnosed with depression, again, and sleep deprivation. They said that I was on the verge of an anxiety diagnosis too but didn't quite hit all of the markers. They quickly laid out a treatment plan that included individual therapy sessions as well as group therapy sessions. I had asked not to go on medicine, having had a bad experience with it before. They respected my wishes on the condition that I made progress and didn't regress during my stay.

The center had a common room where everybody would gather during the day and do crafts or watch television, while the bedrooms branched off from the common room. Each bedroom had two beds since the center believed that socializing was good for recovery, and each bedroom also had a private bathroom that was shared between the two occupants. I shared a room with another girl, Mia, who was shorter than me and had a headful of blond curls, which always ended up in different directions in the morning. We didn't communicate much, as our schedules never aligned, but she was respectful, and we got along in the short time we were roommates. She left halfway into the week, and nobody replaced her, which meant that I was blessedly alone for the rest of the week.

Adrian and Lissa visited me every day, along with my parents, which I quickly hid my surprise at. I wasn't expecting them to stick around, and every time they visited, I was sure that they wouldn't be returning the next day, but they continuously showed up. And Adrian continuously snuck me candy from Dylan's Candy Shop which the nurses turned a blind eye to, just happy to see me smiling and laughing.

As I got down to my room after another visitor's session at the end of the week, another bout of exhaustion hit me. It had been getting better over the past few days, thankfully, but every now and then, it still hit me. I climbed into my bed and propped myself up with pillows, a little nauseous from all the candy Adrian had slipped me. I felt a small stabbing pain in my back and groaned because it was a tell-tale sign that my period was approaching. It always started with back pain for the first couple of days. I hated that my period was coming now because I was hoping that it wouldn't come until I was back home, but since my periods were irregular, I wasn't able to accurately track them.

I fell asleep quickly, but I didn't stay asleep for long. I woke up to a shooting pain in my back and I groaned again. My period cramps had never been this bad, but of course they would have to kick my ass now when I was away from all of the material comforts that I wanted. Another spasm of pain went through me, echoing in my stomach, almost making me double over. I cried out as a third spasm shot through me.

A nurse burst into my room a moment later, a second nurse hot on her heels.

"Rose? What's wrong?" the first nurse, Melissa, said, sitting on the edge of the bed.

"I'm fine," I said. "It's just period cramps."

I gritted my teeth as another spasm hit and Melissa's expression got more concerned.

"Have they ever been this bad before?"

I shook my head. "No, not as bad as this."

Melissa shared a look with the other nurse. The other nurse left the room.

"Rose, we're going to transfer you to the emergency room. It might be nothing, but we want to be better safe than sorry."

I didn't argue as another burst of pain hit and a moment later, the second nurse returned, pushing an empty wheelchair.

"Call Lissa. Please. I need her."

Melissa nodded. "We'll call her. She'll be here soon."

It was a flurry once we reached the emergency room, with a handful of people in the waiting room, but my last name carried a lot of weight, and I was quickly put in a room and hooked up to a machine. I was waiting for a doctor when Lissa and Adrian burst into the room.

"Rose, what's wrong?"

I was curled up in the bed on my side, trying to find a comfortable position. "I don't know," I said, crying. "I thought it was just cramps, but this is so much worse."

A doctor came into the room then, introducing herself as Dr. Lilly.

"Rose, can you tell me what your symptoms are?"

"Cramping in my back and it occasionally spreads to my stomach and I've been nauseous all day," I said. "I thought it was just my period, but now I'm not so sure."

"When was your last period?" she asked, pulling out a clipboard.

"I don't remember. The beginning of April, I think," I said. "They're irregular."

She frowned. "Rose, have you been sexually active in the past few months?"

"Yes," I whispered.

"Did you use protection or contraceptive?" she asked.

"I'm on birth control but we both tested clean for diseases, so we didn't worry about using a condom," I said, fear creeping into my voice. "What's going on?"

Dr. Lilly stuck her head out of the room, saying something to a nurse there before coming back into the room.

"We're going to do an ultrasound and see if that can help us figure out what's going on."

"You think I'm pregnant?" I whispered. "Why would I be in so much pain then?"

"I think that there is a chance that you're pregnant, and this will only help us in ruling out issues so that we can get to the bottom of this," she said, reassuringly, though I can see the worried look on her face.

A nurse walked in, rolling a portable ultrasound machine and she assisted Dr. Lilly in setting it up. It only took a few moments and the entire time, my heart rate continued climbing, the machine beeping loudly.

"This is going to be cold," Dr. Lilly said, spreading the gel on my stomach. She placed the wand there a moment later and moved it around.

I couldn't see the screen of the machine, but by the look on Dr. Lilly's face, I knew what the outcome was. She reached over to hit a couple of buttons on the machine before grabbed a paper towel to wipe off my stomach.

"I'm so sorry, Rose," she said. "The pain you're experiencing is because you're suffering a miscarriage. The heartbeat isn't detectable."

Lissa squeezed my hand tightly.

"D-do you know how far along I was?"

Dr. Lilly examined the screen for a moment. "I'd say that you were probably a little over seven weeks. I can print these pictures out for you if you want. You won't be able to see much of the baby shape, it was too soon, but I know some people like to have the pictures regardless."

I nodded. "I want them."

She hit another button the machine and two copies of the screen printed out. She handed them to Lissa for safekeeping, knowing that I was in no condition to hold them.

I squeezed Lissa's hand as another cramp hit hard, wincing.

"Is there anything that can be done to speed it up?" I whispered.

"I can prescribe you misoprostol, which will speed up the process, but there are expected cramps and on and off bleeding with it. Another option is vacuum aspiration, which will essentially suck the dead tissues out of your uterus and will help with the cramps since your body will stop trying to pass it naturally through contractions," Dr. Lilly explained.

"Can we do the vacuum one? I just want it to be over with," I said.

She nodded. "We certainly can. The procedure takes around ten minutes and you'll have some anesthesia to help with the cramps and to numb you so that you don't feel any pain during the procedure, just pressure."

"Can I be put to sleep?" I asked, exhausted.

"Normally, patients aren't put completely under, but it does happen occasionally, and since I know you've had a rough night, I'll put in the order for general anesthesia for you. An anesthesiologist will be by shortly to get you hooked up and then we can start the procedure."

Dr. Lilly walked out of the room and I turned to Lissa.

"Will you stay in the room with me? At least until they have to kick you out?"

"I'm not going anywhere," she said, squeezing my hand.

* * *

I was in the hospital for four days after the procedure, splitting my time between the hospital side and the psych inpatient side. They hooked me up to machines to monitor to me every time I visited Dr. Lilly to check on my progress and make sure that everything is fine from the procedure. Lissa stayed by my side throughout, showing up every time I went to visit Dr. Lilly, and again my parents were there when I needed them. I knew that they had a business trip lined up for this week, but they had canceled it to be there for me instead, which was something that I was insanely grateful for even if I didn't show it.

In addition to my normal therapy sessions as part of the inpatient program, I also had to meet with a separate therapist that dealt with child loss and grief specifically to determine my mental state, even though I'd rather be doing literally anything else. I also would have to continue to come back to the hospital for sessions with him even though I was leaving the inpatient program today.

"Good morning, Rose," Dr. Sterling said.

"Morning."

"Did you sleep well?"

I shrugged. "It's hard to get a lot of sleep. Nightmares of what could have been," I said.

"Nightmares?"

"I'm not with my partner anymore," I said after a moment. "The dad. We broke up a few weeks ago."

"Do you feel you would have been raising the baby alone if you had carried to term?"

"No, he would have been there. But he's worked too hard to be where he is now. But I wouldn't have been able to bring myself to burden him like that."

Dimitri was too pure to be dragged back into my messy life, not after he already escaped.

Sterling leaned forward. "Does he know about the miscarriage?"

I shook my head. "No. And I'm not telling him. He doesn't know about my hospital stay either. There's no point in burdening him with something he can't do anything about. Plus, my phone broke almost two weeks ago, and I haven't gotten it replaced yet. Haven't had the chance."

"Rose, I can't force you to make any decisions, but I highly recommend that you tell him. This isn't something that you should be dealing with alone. And it's not a burden to share your pain with someone else, especially someone you obviously care a lot about."

"I'm not alone," I argued. "My best friends are here. And for once, my parents are too."

"Are your parents not usually there for you?"

"They're busy," I said, shrugging again. I brushed off how much it bothered me. "I understand that they can't be there for everything."

"How does that make you feel?"

"It is what it is. I've spent my whole life dealing with it."

"We're going to come back to that in our next session, but I have some homework for you," he said. "I want you to look into support systems, even if you refuse to tell the father. Look into ways to help process grief. Some find that naming their baby helps, some find that planning a funeral helps, but it's all based on what will actually work for you. Do some research and some thinking and see if either of those will help process the grief and sudden loss."

"I didn't even know about it until it was too late," I said. "I shouldn't even be grieving."

"That's the thing about grief, Rose. It doesn't always make sense."

* * *

 **One Week Later**

I walked outside the apartment building, planning on walking to the cemetery to visit the headstone, even though there was nothing buried underneath the ground. My parents had put in a rush order to get the headstone put up after I picked a name, and the service quickly obliged, putting up the headstone less than two days after I left the hospital and the inpatient program so that I was able to start visiting it as quickly as possible while I spent the summer in New York City. Despite the pain and the lingering grief, something kept drawing me there. It was a few miles to the cemetery, but it was a good way to clear my head every morning and get some alone time without being hovered over and I would spend hours sitting in front of the headstone, just talking. It wasn't traditional therapy and I was sure that my parents wished that I hadn't stopped making appointments with Doctor Sterling but talking to a piece of stone was hard enough.

"Rose!"

I turned around and saw Viktoria walking towards me, anger in her eyes. "Viktoria."

"We need to talk," she said, gesturing back towards the building.

"Now isn't a good time," I said.

I started to walk away, but she grabbed my arm. I whipped around and jerked my arm out of her grip.

"Don't," I said, warning in my tone and my eyes.

She narrowed her eyes. "You're hurting."

I wrapped my arms around my stomach, repeating, "Now isn't a good time."

"Don't you think Dimitri is hurting too? You're so close to him but yet you won't go to him. You'd rather suffer alone."

"I can't go to him, Viktoria." _Even though I want to_. "You wouldn't understand. Too much has happened for us to go back to the way we were."

"I know what you're doing," she said, still pushing. "You're making problems with the people that care about you so that you can push them away before they leave you because you're scared of being abandoned. But Dimitri, he slipped under your walls and the second you think he's leaving you, you shoved him away."

"You don't know anything," I hissed, tired of being polite. "You don't know what I've been through and you don't get to stand here and pretend that you _understand_."

I started to walk away again, leaving Viktoria behind me.

"I wish you had never come into our lives," Viktoria called after me.

I froze. I thought about all the good times I had with Dimitri and Viktoria and then I thought about all of the pain I went through in the past few weeks. Despite it all, I wouldn't change them being in my life. And I knew that Viktoria was trying to get a rise out of me, so I put up a mask before turning around and fixing her with a cold stare. Then I lied.

"Me too."

* * *

 **As a side note, I wanted to say that I wasn't originally planning on Rose having a miscarriage (or even being pregnant) but the story led me in this direction, so I wrote where it took me.**


	11. Chapter 11

**Hi y'all! I've been working on this chapter for a while now, editing it and rewriting it to get it to be the way that I wanted. I will say that this chapter took a mind of its own when I first wrote it and did not go where I thought it would go. Either way, I hope you enjoy and leave a review with your thoughts, comments, etc!**

 **Also, as a side note, I'm sorry that some of you don't like the turn this story has taken, but it is what it is and I don't feel that I keep changing the directions as the premise of the story has basically stayed the same between present and past time, where Rose is now and where she was. I wrote what I felt and if you don't like it, then don't read it. Additionally, miscarriage is a very common thing and it's not something that I wrote with maliciousness or anything like that. Rose didn't treat Dimitri or Viktoria the best last chapter, but part of it is her upbringing, lashing out when she's hurt, but also I wouldn't want my ex's sister pestering me about reconciliation a week after I got out of the hospital or pestering when it was made clear that Rose did not want to talk to Viktoria at that moment at the end of the last chapter. No/go away/I don't want to talk still means no and should still be honored, regardless if it's perceived as rude, at least in my opinion.**

* * *

I was the first one awake in the morning. The entire apartment was silent as I made my way to the kitchen. The dinging of the elevator opening sounded too loud in the silent room and I cringed. The dining room table was laid out and set, almost as if my parents were expecting a dinner party, but I also knew that the table always looked that way and was rarely used.

I made my way into the kitchen and turned on the radio, which immediately synced to my phone through Bluetooth. I was the only one who ever used the Bluetooth connection as my parents preferred listening to the regular radio and our housekeeper didn't listen to music while she was here.

Spotify immediately opened up a new playlist recommendation when I opened the app, and I scrolled through the songs before hitting the shuffle button. The playlist was one of the daily mixes that Spotify's algorithm created, and I noticed that it mostly consisted of the new Taylor Swift and Halsey albums with other artists' songs scattered through on my brief scroll through.

" _I blew things out of proportion_ " blared through the speakers and I winced and immediately turned the volume down. I inched the volume back up as the song continued through the chorus

" _I don't wanna lose this with you  
I need to say, hey  
It's all me, just don't go  
Meet me in the afterglow_"

I hit the skip button and a Sigrid song came on. I turned to the fridge to start making breakfast as the song continued. I grabbed the eggs and the loaf of bread out of the fridge.

" _Just one look and I'm out of touch  
I'm freaking out 'cause I'm scared this might end bad  
But I still come back for that  
Sucker punch"_

I sighed and thought about Dimitri. It was definitely just one look that got me hooked and head over heels with him the first time and that didn't seem like it was changing any time soon. The song finished and changed to one that was a slower rhythm. I picked up my phone and saw that it was one of the songs off of Halsey's album and I listened as the words of the song faded into an interlude before the tune picked up again.

" _Build love, build God, build provinces  
Build calluses, break promises  
'Cause I could never hold a perfect thing  
And not demolish it  
What am I thinking? What does this mean?  
How could somebody ever love me?"_

The song faded and I stood there, gripping the counter, the eggs forgotten. There was bread in the toaster, waiting to be pushed down to toast, but I couldn't bring myself to push the lever down.

"Rose?"

I flinched as Dimitri spoke. I pushed away from the counter and pushed down my toast before pasting a fake smile on when I turned around as a Lorde song switched on.

" _Please could you be tender and I will sit close to you  
Let's give it a minute before we admit that we're through"_

"Good morning. Sleep well?" I asked, trying to ignore the lyrics.

"Yeah, not bad. You?" Dimitri said, showing no sign that he was paying attention to the music coming from the speaker.

I shrugged, turning back towards the stove, where my egg pan was hot. "Wasn't the best that I've had. I'm still nervous about seeing my parents."

"' _Cause I remember the rush, when forever was us  
Before all of the winds of regret and mistrust  
Now we sit in your car and our love is a ghost"_

Dimitri reached over and grabbed my phone to switch the song. I sighed.

The song changed to another Halsey one with a soft, melodic sound. It was on that I hadn't listened to before and I let it play as Dimitri took over making the eggs.

As the song continued through the chorus, singing about how Halsey just wanted something she couldn't have, even more, I realized that the song was about losing pregnancies and not being able to have a child. I turned away from Dimitri to grab a juice bottle out of the fridge and tried to tune out the song. I didn't realize that I was frozen in place until Dimitri touched my shoulder lightly.

"What's wrong?"

I brushed him off and I shut the fridge as the song finally ended. "Nothing. I'm fine."

Another song switched one, slow and melodic like the previous. I picked up my phone to see that it was another Sigrid song, but one that I was unfamiliar with. I leaned against the island counter as he cooked and pushed the toast back down when it popped up.

" _I don't belong in your universe  
For better or for worse"_

Dimitri stiffened slightly but didn't make any other outward sign that he was listening to the song's lyrics. He flipped the eggs in the pan before sliding them out on to a waiting plate.

" _You're as safe as a mountain  
But know that I am dynamite"_

The elevator dinging was a welcome distraction and I quickly switched the music off, grateful to have a moment away from the music and the connections that every song had.

I heard Adrian talking to someone as they made their way from the elevator and down the hall to the kitchen and I grabbed a fork out of the silverware drawer before sitting down at the island with my plate.

"Pretty sure she's in the kitchen," Adrian said as they came closer. "I heard music a few moments ago and she's the only one who plays music while cooking."

My dad didn't have time to respond before they turned the corner. He froze when he saw Dimitri and my mom almost ran into him from where she was walking behind the duo.

"Dad, hi," I said, standing up and distracting him.

"Rosemarie," he said, crossing the kitchen to me. "It's good to see you. It's been a while."

I wanted to roll my eyes. I traveled with my parents to Rome for Christmas in December and came back to New York City for my birthday in March, but they had left the country and wished me a happy birthday a day late from Turkey.

My mom came up next to him to hug me. They were both ignoring the elephant in the room for the moment. My dad walked around the kitchen to the Keurig machine to make himself and my mom a cup of coffee.

"Are you excited about graduation?"

I shrugged. "Graduating from one school just to go to another isn't that exciting."

My dad frowned but didn't say anything as he carried two mugs over to the island. He handed on to my mom and placed a steaming one in front of me, before turning back to get his own freshly brewed cup. I took a sip, expecting coffee and was pleasantly surprised to find that it was mint hot chocolate.

The silence in the room was almost stifling, and Adrian leaned against the counter next to me. I was nearly finished with my breakfast when my parents finally stopped exchanging looks with each other.

My father turned to Dimitri; his voice cold as he spoke. "Belikov. What are you doing here?"

I groaned silently and bit into my toast to stop from complaining, knowing that it wouldn't do any good.

"Lissa was unable to accompany Rose here so I offered to come with her to make sure that she arrived safely," Dimitri said.

My father arched an eyebrow. "She'd rather come here with you than come alone?"

"Dad! Stop," I said, standing.

"Why should I?" he said, fixing me with a steely stare. "He hurt you, Rosemarie. Do you think that I'm just going to forget about that?"

"I'm not asking you to forget about it," I said. "Just cut him some slack. Please. He's helped a lot over the past couple of days."

My dad looked grumpy, but he agreed and took a sip of his coffee.

"So, what was so important that I needed to come here instead of just talking over the phone?"

"We just wanted to make sure that you were okay," my mom said, shooting a glance at Dimitri. "You've gone through a lot lately and then you show up with Belikov, which makes us think that you're not okay as you claim."

"I'm going to say this one more time: cut Dimitri some slack. He's helped a lot over the past few days and I'd be in worse shape without him here."

"He knows then."

It wasn't a question, but I answered it anyway. "Yes, he knows. He's the one who found me. But the real question is how do you know? Was it the hospital or the police that called you?"

My parents shared a confused look.

"Found you?" my dad said, while my mom also spoke at the same time.

"What are you talking about? Why would either of those call us?"

"Why are you playing dumb?" I demanded. "You called me and asked if I was doing okay and there's only one reason why you would do that, and I want to know who told you. Cause if it was my choice, I wouldn't have ever told you."

"Rose—" Adrian tried to intervene, but my dad spoke over him.

"Adrian told us," he said. "As soon as we heard, we had to make sure you were okay, so we asked you to come here so you could leave the situation. And you weren't going to tell us? Don't tell me you're dating Belikov again."

I flushed. "No, we're not dating! Not that that has anything to do with any of this." I turned on Adrian next. "You did what?"

"It's not what you think," Adrian said, holding his hands up in a surrender motion. "I think you both need to clarify what you're talking about because you're talking about two different things." He turned to face Dimitri. "You should leave. This doesn't concern you."

"Firstly, I'm not going anywhere until I know that Rose is okay," Dimitri said, crossing his arms. "And secondly, with the way that Abe keeps shooting me murderous looks, I'd say that this most certainly concerns me."

"She's not going to be okay until you're gone, Belikov," my father said, anger creeping back into his voice. "You're the cause of all of her problems! None of this would have happened if you had never entered her life."

Dimitri took a step back, stunned. "Excuse me? The months that I had with Rose were some of the best months of my life and I wish that I could change what happened, but I can't! And my relationship with Rose has no effect on what happened."

Adrian shot me a pleading look before muttering, "Two different topics."

"Damn right you can't change what happened!" my dad said. "Rose says you know what happened and all you can say is that you wish you could change what happened? And that your relationship has no effect on what happened? Not only does that not do anything to help, but it also implies that she was sleeping around on you and I don't take accusations against my daughter lightly. You abandoned her when she needed you the most!"

Too late I realized where this was going, and I knew that there was no stopping it this time. I'd have to come clean to my parents about the rape and to Dimitri about the miscarriage. And I wanted to do neither.

Dimitri gave me a look, conflicting emotions warring in his eyes. "I think Adrian is right and we are talking about two different things. Rose, what is your dad talking about? When did I abandon you when you needed me the most? Sleeping around on me?"

As soon as Dimitri said the words, something clicked behind his eyes and I knew that he knew or at least had a guess or two. As soon as he saw me studying him, he put up his mask, the emotion fading from his eyes and face.

"He doesn't know?" my mom said, looking pale.

"I think we all need to sit down and take a few deep breaths," I said. "It's time all of you know the truth."

I led the way out of the kitchen and took the stairs down to the living room instead of waiting for the elevator. My parents sat at one end of the sectional, while Dimitri sat at the other. I sat on the bench across from the sectional and Adrian sat next to me. He took my hand and squeezed, and I sighed.

"Mom, Dad, you'll be easier, so let's start there," I said, avoiding looking at Dimitri.

Even though I didn't want to talk about the rape, I wanted to see Dimitri's disappointed and hurt looks even less.

"Rose, why did you think that we called you here? What about the hospital and the police?"

I took a deep breath. "Promise me that you won't freak out."

My dad's eyes narrowed. "Rose. Tell us. Now."

"Friday night, I was walking back from work. Lissa was at a sorority party on campus," I said, taking a deep breath. Then I quickly said, "A man grabbed me and pulled me into an alley and raped me."

My parents were silent but shared a look with each other.

"Did you just say that a man raped you on Friday?" my dad said slowly.

I nodded.

Something clicked in his head because he turned to Dimitri. "Rose said you found her earlier. Is this what she meant?"

"Yes. I was walking around downtown and passed the alley. Rose was unconscious and while it was clear that she was attacked, I wasn't sure of the nature until I took her to hospital, and she talked to them about it. They performed a rape kit on her too and she did file a police report," he said. He didn't look at me, keeping his eyes locked on my dad.

"Then I own you an apology for being so hostile this morning. And a thank you. So much worse could have happened to her," my dad said. He turned back to me. "Now please tell me that they caught that motherfucker."

I nodded again. "By chance. They hadn't had time to run his DNA to see if there was a match, but Dimitri and I ran into him at the gym yesterday. He probably stalked me there, to be honest. He waited until Dimitri left to get our water before approaching me again. I twisted my ankle falling off the treadmill, but he didn't get the chance to get to me again. Dimitri beat him up a little and held him until the police got there. Last I knew, he was still in custody."

Dimitri scoffed. "I didn't beat him up. He's lucky I only hit him once."

My dad looked constipated for a moment. "Thank you for being there for her, Belikov," he forced out. "I don't want to imagine what would have happened if you weren't there."

Dimitri nodded. "Despite everything, Rose trusts me. That's the only reason that she felt safe with me there."

My dad turned back to me. "Obviously we will be pressing full charges and our entire legal team will be at your disposal to take this fucker down. There will be no expense spared, Rosemarie. He will be going to jail for a very long time. I guarantee that."

He stood up and walked over to me and pulled me up to wrap me in his arms. "I'm so sorry that we couldn't be there for you, but I wish we could have been."

"I didn't want you to see me like that. I still don't. I was a mess, jumping at every sound. I kind of still am, which isn't surprising since it only happened a few days ago. Surprisingly I feel a little safer here, even though it's so much bigger in New York City, but I'm still jumping at everything. Just not as bad as I was over the weekend," I whispered.

He squeezed me tight one more time before releasing me. He stayed close enough to whisper. "Maybe I wouldn't be as opposed if you got back together with Belikov," he said. "I see the way that he's looking at you when you're not looking at him."

"He's going to hate me once I tell him though, so I don't think it much matters," I whispered back before stepping back.

I turned to Dimitri. "You should come with me," I said. "There's something I need to show you."

He stood and stayed in the living room while I ran back upstairs to the terrace off the kitchen. Sage plants were in full bloom and I grabbed a couple of stems, using the scissors out there to cut them correctly. I took the stairs two at a time going back downstairs and motioned to Dimitri.

"C'mon. We're not staying here."

The elevator ride down was silent, and I was thankful that the elevator was quick. When we stepped outside the building, I turned to him. "Do you want to walk or drive?"

"How far are we going?"

"Haven Cemetery. It's a few miles north, near the water. Close to Thomas Jefferson Park," I said, looking at the ground.

"Let's walk. It's nice out," he said. "And it gives you time to explain everything," he added, lifting my chin to give me a look.

"I'll try," I said weakly.

We started walking and Dimitri laced his fingers through mine. I was suddenly reminded of our first date when he did that as we were walking the trails at Buttermilk Falls.

"I know you're going to be mad," I started. "But I just ask that you let me finish the entire story first. And then if you want to get back to Ithaca immediately, that can be arranged."

Dimitri squeezed my hand. "I promise that I'll let you tell the entire story."

"I didn't know until it was too late," I said, my eyes already watering. "The first couple of weeks after graduation, I was a mess. Lissa was concerned and rightfully so. She found me on the rooftop two weeks after we split—"

Dimitri yanked me to a stop. "Rose—"

"Not what you think. I wasn't trying to jump or anything like that," I reassured him. "I just liked being on the roof because it was calming and always so quiet up there. Lissa didn't like that I spent so much time up there and she knew that I was probably going to have a breakdown. She was probably right. When she tried to get me back inside, I backed up against the wall of the roof and Lissa reached for me and knocked my phone out of my hand. It shattered and became useless.

"That didn't much matter because she took me to New York City as a "getaway" to see Adrian and we spent a day goofing around, gorging ourselves on Dylan's Candy Shop, watching movies, the works. And then she and Adrian, along with my parents, tricked me into going into an inpatient program at Grace Hill. Well, I guess tricked is the wrong word. Lissa got me to NYC and Adrian distracted me while my parents took care of the paperwork and the NDAs to keep everything out of the press."

"And away from me," Dimitri said softly. "I tried to keep an eye on you through news afterward, but there were rarely new articles about you. I wasn't able to learn much."

"I doubt blocking you from information by having the nurses and doctors sign NDAs was at the forefront of their minds, but I wouldn't doubt that it was minor, maybe a subconscious, factor. Regardless, I was an inpatient program for a week. I had therapy sessions and group activities and all that fun stuff," I said, with a hint of sarcasm. "Towards the end of that week, I had really bad cramps. At least I thought they were really bad cramps. You know how my period was always irregular, so I truly couldn't tell the difference, at least at first. But they got stronger and the nurses on the psych side transported me to the ER. My last name got me to skip the line and into a room before any of the other patients that were there could realize that Rosemarie Hathaway Mazur was there. I was in the hospital for four more days after that, split between meeting with my doctor and being psychoanalyzed in the psych department."

I took a deep breath and Dimitri squeezed my hand even tighter, just willing me to spit it out. He knew without a doubt where this going now.

"I didn't know until it was too late and there wasn't anything that I could have done," I said softly. "The cramps turned out to be contractions because my body was trying to force out dead tissue matter. The doctor did an ultrasound, but she couldn't detect a heartbeat. She later told me that it was probably a chromosome abnormality that caused it, since that's a common cause of miscarriage, and since I was basically a model patient, they couldn't determine another reason. I didn't drink, didn't smoke, and my health was mostly good. I may have eaten more junk food than strictly necessary, but that didn't cause anything."

I pulled away from Dimitri to open the side gate to the cemetery. I led him back a couple of rows, to a small plot towards the left side. The spaces next to it were empty, reserved for when my parents die and for when I eventually die. I took the dead stems out of the vase attached to the headstone and placed the new sage flowers there.

"I named them Sage because it was too early to know the sex and I liked the name as a unisex name. It means "wise" and even though I didn't get to meet them, I know they would have been. My therapist said that naming the baby after a loss can help with closure and help with grieving, which it did, in its own way. Naming them made it real, but I couldn't run from it. And I know I would have regretted it if I had just up and left and never let myself think about it again. I visited here every day for the entire summer afterward and I always come and visit whenever I'm in the city. And I bring sage flowers because they've always felt fitting. My parents always make sure some are growing on one of the terraces if the conditions are right. And if the conditions aren't right and they know that I'm coming into town, they make sure to get some from a florist for me."

I sat down in front of the headstone, taking it in for the first time in a couple of months. It read:

SAGE

Go in Peace, Beloved

June 21, 2016

There was no last name on the headstone, a mixed result of not wanting to draw too much attention to it and also because I couldn't decide what last name to give. It was hard enough to pick a name without having to consider the ramifications of a last name. Not that it particularly mattered since Sage wouldn't have had a birth certificate where information like that was required.

Dimitri finally sat down beside me. There was pain in his eyes when he finally. "Why didn't you tell me?"

I told him the same thing that I told Sterling. "You were out, Dimitri. My life was a mess. You had a future planned out and I couldn't drag you away from that. I know you," I said softly. "I know that if I would have told you, you would have dropped out of the medical program and come back to Ithaca to be with me, to make sure that I was okay. And if it hadn't ended up like that, I would have told you immediately. Because if Sage was alive, you'd deserve to get to know them and to be there for them regardless of what happened between us or what the future holds."

He shook his head. "You're right, of course, but I still wish you would have told me. I could have been there for you during the summer when you were struggling with this and grieving the loss. We were both here in the city."

"I just couldn't drag you back in, Dimitri. I'm sorry that you're finding out this way and I'm sorry that I didn't tell you but my grief and my need for comfort were overshadowed for your need for freedom and my unwillingness to burden you down. I'm sure the last thing that you expected when you dated a freshman was all of the complications and baggage that I had."

"Roza, I love _you_. Your baggage and complications didn't affect the way that I love you or how I love you. You were my focus, always and forever," he murmured. "But I can't help but think that if I had known about the miscarriage and the fact that you were in NYC for the entire summer, we could have worked things out."

"No, I don't think we could have. We both needed time apart, time to grow and mature, especially me," I said. "Viktoria never told you, but she saw me shortly after I got out of the hospital. She didn't know that, but I don't think she would have gone easy on me even if she had. She said some things, and after many realizations, I knew she was right. I push people away because I don't want them to leave me. I want to be in control of getting attached and so I'd cause problems where there aren't any. She might have also said something about wishing that I'd never entered your lives and honestly that's what kept me from telling you on the days that I was so close to knocking on every door in the medical department until I found you. I had already caused enough damage.

"I had found my first love at the age of eighteen and I gave you everything and while I don't regret a single moment of it, I can recognize now how much I needed to grow and mature. I wasn't ready for intense love then. I was touch-starved, barely getting the necessary love from my parents and so when I experienced true romantic love for the first time, I got in over my head," I said. "And I truly mean that I don't regret anything. I loved you with everything that I had and yes, we made mistakes, but we made them together. And for what it's worth, I think you would have been a great father."

"You would have been a great mother," he said. "I just know it."

"I didn't have the best example growing up, but I think despite that, I'd manage," I said.

"We both would've considering my example of a father was a terrible man," Dimitri said, a slightly nostalgic smile on his face as if he was actually picturing us being parents to a faceless child.

"I have a picture of the ultrasound, an extra copy really, if you want it," I said softly. "At the time, I don't know why I took two copies when I really only needed one, but I'm glad I did."

"I'd love that," he said.

I leaned forward and kissed his cheek before standing. "I'll let you have some alone time with Sage. They're probably annoyed with how much I talk every time I come here," I said with a small laugh. "They'd probably appreciate hearing a new voice. Your voice."

He didn't answer, but he smiled up at me, his eyes wet. I left him alone at the headstone and wandered around the cemetery. It had been a couple of months since I had been able to visit and the plots had grown since then, more headstones popping up in a previously unoccupied section. I walked towards the water, seeing ribbons tied along the fence that protected the cemetery from FDR Drive. Most of them were hair ties that parents tied to the fence while visiting their deceased children and it was always somber to see the number of ribbons grow but it was a nice memorial.

"Thank you," Dimitri murmured from behind me, causing me to jump. "Sorry."

"Did you have a good talk?"

He nodded. "Yeah, I did. I didn't realize that I had so much to say, especially with only finding out recently." He stared at the fence, taking in the ribbons the same way I did when I saw them for the first time. "I feel like I should be mad. But I'm not. I understand why you did what you did. I'm glad that I know now, though."

"I'm really sorry, Dimitri," I said. "I was so confident when I first made the decision and then I didn't want to tell you because I didn't want you to be mad and I figured that you were better off not knowing once some time had passed. And when you showed back up now, it was a mix between still not wanting to burden you, after seeing how well you were doing, and not wanting you to be mad and the underlying thought that there nothing to share when there was nothing that could be changed."

"I can't say that I completely understand because I didn't go through what you did and I didn't have to make these decisions," Dimitri started, "but I forgive you, Rose."

We walked back to the building in silence. We paused outside the building and I turned to look at him.

"Do you want to go back to Ithaca? I can get my dad to arrange the plane for you."

"I want to stay here as long as you'll have me, Roza," he said, taking my hands. "But I do need to get back to Viktoria. I promised the week to her and I want to uphold that."

My heart skipped a beat. "Of course. I'll have my dad prepare everything. Before you go though, earlier, you said _love_ present tense. Not past."

He nodded. "It is present tense. I've never stopped loving you. And I don't think that I ever will. But I won't steal you away from someone else. I don't know Adrian very well, but if you're happy with him, then I'd rather you stay because you deserve to be happy."

"I'm happier with you," I whispered. "Adrian and I are complicated. I told you that it was more of a deal than a relationship in the truest sense and a stipulation of that deal was that we'd call it off if we met someone else, to chase real love. I want this but I don't want to make the same mistakes."

"I promise that I'd do right by you, Rose," he murmured. "Take some time to think about it. Text or call me if you need anything and I'll see you at your graduation. I'll wait for your answer there."

* * *

 **When I say that this chapter didn't go where I thought it would, I would like to specify that when I first thought about this chapter in my head and vaguely planned it, I was seeing Dimitri getting angry after Rose takes him to cemetery and walking away, which is pretty much the opposite of what happened.**

 **Also, I am working on updates for Queen of Hearts and Life Unlike Before but have hit some writer's block (particularly for Queen of Hearts), but I will try to get updates posted soon!**


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